Monday, December 3, 2012

In Which I Get Bitch-Slapped By An Airbag.

Why hello there, Page Viewers -- lovely to see all the Ones of you again!

Soooo...whatcha been doin'?

Okay, I know it's been a looong time and I know I owe several entries, but it's been a very difficult few months. Not to whine, I know my life is still a cakewalk compared to millions of others in the word. And I realize that, for the most part, my problems are ridiculously first world and urban in nature -- but still, things have been tough.

For example, on Halloween, I was in a car crash. I'm more-or-less physically okay and no one else was injured, Praise Ralph! (<-- How come no one ever gets this reference? Am I really that old...and the only person who ever watched "Good Times"???)

The fun car crash ocurred thusly:

So, in case you've missed my whingeing about the weather here...because you've never read anything else I've written, apparently,'s been raining non-stop in the Seattle area, lately.

     "What? Rain in the Pacific Northwest?? The hell, you say!"
     "STFU, Inner Imp. Not today, you jackhole."
     "Huh. Someone's a moody litt--HEY! Lemme outta this Jar of WTF!!"

Ahem. So yeah, it's been rainy and I was on my way to a volunteer meeting, that, due to Acts of God, had been rescheduled for the third time.

You know, I'm starting to think that The Universe doesn't want me to volunteer for this really good cause. I'm also starting to think that The Universe is kind of a douchebag.

Anyway, I'm getting onto the freeway interchange, which is a single lane road around a bend. I felt my front right tire slip and the next thing I know, I'm doing 360s on this single lane interchange and banging off the cement rail guards like a pinball in the hands of a wizard.

Gawds, that was AWFUL, Leslie -- there's got to be a twist!
(Thank you! I'll be here all night. Try the lamb.)

It kinda happened in slo-mo, like in the movies. When the airbags went off, I remember thinking, "Ha-ha, I'm probably going to die, but wouldn't it be funny if they really were full of popcorn, like in the SNL skit?"

Airbags stink. I mean that literally. The gasses used to inflate them is noxious. I thought I was more likely to die from suffocation than from the crash. Plus I was seriously disappointed that they were not filled with popcorn.

It was actually much worse than it looks here, it was totaled out. BTW, my poor car was named "Deathmobile." The irony of which is underwhelming.

I was shaken and luckily no one else drove past until I could get the car mostly off the road, as I was just past the bend in the road and couldn't be seen until too late. A very nice lady stopped and helped me make the necessary calls. Eventually a highway state patrol officer showed up and then a DOT guy, who was able to get my wrecked car fully out of the lane. Because it was raining, the officer had me get in the back seat of the patrol car to take my information. I couldn't stop crying, which made things even more awkward. The officer printed out a copy of my accident report and then the fucking fucker GAVE ME A FUCKING TICKET. For unsafe speeds due to weather conditions, even though I specifically remember slowing down before hitting the curve. And even though NO ONE WITNESSED WHAT HAPPENED! He said that the fact that I spun out where I did was all the proof he needed. never mind that there has been ongoing construction in that area for months and months and that before I spun out, it felt more like I hit a patch of something slick. He was not interested in hearing that. Just printed me a ticket.

Then, even though I was still shaky and confused, he apparently he had somewhere much more important to be (I heard him on his cell phone that he was going to meet some guys for some football-related event) or just didn't feel the need to take me someplace safe, so he told me that the tow truck was on its way and to WAIT FOR IT IN MY WRECKED CAR. He said to put on my seatbelt and wait, that the tow truck would be there in 5 minutes. Of course, the cop was wrong about how long it would take the tow truck to show.

It didn't show at all.

So there I was, in my wrecked car, just past the blind spot on a single lane freeway interchange where I was trapped because I couldn't safely leave the site as there is nothing but brush on either side of the road. Finally, after waiting over an hour, I called my insurance company to help me out and they got me a tow that arrived in less than 15 minutes. The whole time I was freaked out that another car would spin out and hit me but I was so disoriented, I didn't know what to do but wait as I was told.

The view from my death trap. Nice, yes?

When I got picked up for my rental car, the driver told me that I was the third person just that day that she picked up who had crashed in the same place that I had! She said that one customer told her that the cop who took her report said that there was probably grease on the road due to all the construction and did not give her a ticket! Great. So, my cop was just an asshole. Ugh.

P.S. Asshole Cop -- It turns out I also had a concussion. A. GODDAMN. CONCUSSION. AND YOU JUST LEFT ME ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ALONE IN MY WRECKED CAR!!!!!

I think I may still have some unresolved anger issues.

Also, something they never tell you about in the safety ads -- I got a weird burn from the airbag:

It's kinda hard to see in the pic, but the burn is that reddish patch just under the nail, over my thumb-knuckle. Is "thumb-knuckle" even a real thing? Anyway, it stung like hell.

I don't know if it's a chemical burn or an abrasion-type burn, like when we were kids, we'd give each other "twister" or "Indian" burns. If felt like that, only it hurt more and was not so racist-sounding.

Anyway, the ER doc I saw a couple of days later was really cute. He actually laughed a bit when he realized from my chart that this was the second car-related concussion I'd gotten since moving up here. (The first was exactly one year and one week prior, when I got rear-ended while completely stopped at a light. I swear this place is trying to kill me!) I guess I should've been affronted at that, I suppose, but the absurdity of that statement was not lost on me and besides, he was really charming in a nerdy kind of way, a/k/a "Leslie's Kryptonite."

So, honestly, things have been going kinda downhill since then, but I'll spare you the uninteresting details and instead concentrate on posting those things I've promised and haven't gotten to and maybe other, more interesting things. Like how I plan to win the lottery and commission a "rain-only-when-I-want-it-to-rain-DAMNIT" machine. It's a thrilling tale.

What? It could happen! Don't bring a sistah down, H8ers! 

Yeeeeaahhh, I'll be going now. Lates, bizzatches!  //