Wednesday, January 30, 2013

And Now A PSA. Also a PSA: Delta Airlines Sucks Ass Cheeze.

So, Delta Skymiles was all, like, "Hey Leslie, you have 6000 crappy, useless points with us that will never amount to anything because you avoid our airlines like the plague with total good reason!"

And I was all, like, "Huh? How did I get even that many miles with you douchebags?"

And they were all, like, "I know, right? Must've been from the time you got stuck waiting in line to check in because we were too busy gossiping about the manager and so you missed last call check in by literally FOUR minutes and we wouldn't do anything to help you so you ended up missing your flight, almost having to pay an extra $400 to rebook, AND having to spend the night sleeping in the lounge area of the airport with a bunch of people inexplicably wearing surgical masks but not deodorant. Anyway, valued customer, so that we can speed along the termination of our relationship like an ugly divorce, why don't you just spend your pathetic amount of mileage on a bunch of magazines that you don't need and we can try to call it quitsies 4-evahs?"

Then I was all, like, "Sure, if it means you will go to hell and stay there all day."

But then they were, like, "Well, no, we've got a shitty airline to run and millions more customers to make miserable, so while we're busy manufacturing hell for travelers, unfortunately we can't actually just go there ourselves, no matter how much we deserve to. So just get the damn mags or we will keep killing trees uselessly and sending you these irritating mailers, ad nauseum, recommending that you do."

So I was TOTALLY, like, "Fine, you jackholes. Die a painful, abscess-filled death and also send me the following..."

Up for grabs: recent issues of People Magazine, Glamour, InStyle, Entertainment Weekly, and Martha Stewart Living. Um, except for the one with Ryan Gosling. I should probably hang on to that one for a while. Or forever. ("Hey Boooy...")

Ultimately, I got a bunch of magazines that take me 20 minutes apiece to read and now I have an f-ton of them, sitting sadly, waiting to be recycled. Unless someone in the Seattle area knows of somewhere I can donate them? Which I would happily do because I know that I hate going to <insert office here> and having only "Sweatpants Monthly," "Potato News," and "Golf Digest" -- all from three year ago -- to read.

I'd also take recommendations as to where I should look into donating them. 

BTW, have I mentioned that Delta Airlines (slogan: "Ready To Screw Your Day No Matter Where You Are") can SUCKIT?!? Bastages.//

Monday, January 14, 2013

5 Things I Wish I Had Not Done Today.

1) Cleaned out my closet.

2) Found surprise trap door to under-house crawl space in closet.

3) Opened surprise trap door.

4) Looked through surprise trap door into the crawl space.

5) Realize that I can never un-see said crawl space and acknowledge now all the forthcoming nightmares and horrific daydreams that are the very reason why I can't watch scary movies, not even crappy The Blob or The Crypt Keeper on Nickelodeon for kids or, or, or -- YOUJUSTSHUTTHEHELLUP NOW, INNER IMP!

I was going to take pics of the crawl space, but then realized that doing so would just make things worse, like 


taking a picture of a Weeping Angel which would then cause that image to become real as well, and who the hell needs TWO creepy-scary crawl spaces for one house?!?

Not me.

Ergo, I did the totally sane thing and did not photograph said scary area.

I did, however, find this for your viewing pleasure:

And also to scare the pants off of you. Assuming your pants are Scaredy Brand(TM) pants. Like mine. 

Great. Now I'm publicly both a nerd and a 'fraidy cat. Good thing I don't believe in the existence of self-esteem. (But scary sci-fi stone angels of death? Totally.) 

Mebbe now's a good time to move on to "5 Things I'm Glad I Did Today," starting with Item #1: Reinstate Liquid Lunch practice. 



Wednesday, January 9, 2013

THIS. This Is Why Punctuation Is. SO. Important. And. Underutilized. A. Lot.

Real tag from my local Fred Meyer super store:

Although, you gotta admit - the price IS right.

See, now, this is just confusing - are they selling cheeze made of ass cream or is it ass-y cream cheeze? Or is it Kroger Ass-brand cream cheeze. And why is it "cheeze"?!?

C'mon Kroger folks! Don't you care enough to spare a comma?

(Recycled from my Facebook page, because it's funny. Also because apparently I am an 8 year-old boy.)//