tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4142552244046471872024-03-12T18:54:36.314-07:00The Imp On A HillIt's Hard Up In Here For A (P)Imp.
Actually, This Will Probably Change. And Not Soon Enough.Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-71544392634959031652013-01-30T13:48:00.004-08:002013-01-30T13:48:53.404-08:00And Now A PSA. Also a PSA: Delta Airlines Sucks Ass Cheeze.<br />
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<span class="userContent"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">So, Delta Skymiles was all, like, "Hey Leslie, you have 6000 crappy, useless points with us that will never amount to anything because you avoid our airlines like the plague with total good reason!"</span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">And I was all, like, "Huh? How did I get even that many miles with you douchebags?"</span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">And they were all, like, "I know, right? Must've been from the time you got stuck waiting in line to check in because we were too busy gossiping about the manager and so you missed last call check in by literally FOUR minutes and we wouldn't do anything to help you so you ended up missing your flight, almost having to pay an extra $400 to rebook, AND having to spend the night sleeping in the lounge area of the airport with a bunch of people inexplicably wearing surgical masks but not deodorant. </span>Anyway<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">, <i>valued customer</i>, so that we can speed along the termination of our relationship like an ugly divorce, why don't you just spend your pathetic amount of mileage on a bunch of magazines that you don't need and we can try to call it quitsies 4-evahs?"</span></span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">Then I was all, like, "Sure, if it means you will go to hell and stay there all day."</span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">But then they were, like, "Well, no, we've got a shitty airline to run and millions more customers to make miserable, so while we're busy manufacturing hell for travelers, unfortunately we can't actually just go there ourselves, no matter how much we deserve to. So just get the damn mags or we will keep killing trees uselessly and sending you these irritating mailers, <i>ad nauseum</i></span></span><span class="userContent"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">, recommending that you do."</span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">So I was TOTALLY, like, "Fine, you jackholes. Die a painful, abscess-filled death and also send me the following..."</span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 22px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">Up for grabs: recent issues of <i>People Magazine, Glamour, InStyle, Entertainment Weekly, </i>and<i> Martha Stewart Living</i>. Um, except for the one with Ryan Gosling. I should probably hang on to that one for a while. Or forever. ("Hey Boooy...")</span></span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 22px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Ultimately, I got a bunch of magazines that take me 20 minutes apiece to read and now I have an f-ton of them, sitting sadly, waiting to be recycled. Unless someone in the Seattle area knows of somewhere I can donate them? Which I would happily do because I know that I hate going to <insert office here> and having only "Sweatpants Monthly," "Potato News," and "Golf Digest" -- all from three year ago -- to read.</span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">I'd also take recommendations as to where I should look into donating them. </span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">BTW, have I mentioned that Delta Airlines (slogan: "Ready To Screw Your Day No Matter Where You Are") can SUCKIT?!? Bastages.//</span></span></div>
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Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-9526502317893102372013-01-14T14:33:00.001-08:002013-01-14T14:33:19.326-08:005 Things I Wish I Had Not Done Today.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">1) Cleaned out my closet.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">2) Found surprise trap door to under-house crawl space in closet.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">3) Opened surprise trap door.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">4) Looked through </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">surprise </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">trap door into the crawl space.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">5) Realize that I can <i>never</i> <i>un-see</i> said crawl space and acknowledge now all the forthcoming nightmares and horrific daydreams that are the very reason why I can't watch scary movies, not even crappy <i>The Blob</i> or <i>The Crypt Keeper</i> on Nickelodeon for kids or, or, or -- YOUJUSTSHUTTHEHELLUP NOW, INNER IMP!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I was going to take pics of the crawl space, but then realized that doing so would just make things worse, like </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! </b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>SUPER-NERDY SCI-FI REFERENCE AHEAD!!!!</b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!</b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">taking a picture of a <a href="http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Weeping_Angel" target="_blank">Weeping Angel</a> which would then cause that image to become real as well, and who the hell needs TWO creepy-scary crawl spaces for one house?!?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Not me.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ergo, I did the totally sane thing and did not photograph said scary area.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I did, however, find this for your viewing pleasure:</span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/5jr7XBOJQBk?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And also to scare the pants off of you. Assuming your pants are Scaredy Brand</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(TM) pants. Like mine. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Great. Now I'm publicly both a nerd <b>and</b> a 'fraidy cat. Good thing I don't believe in the existence of self-esteem. (But scary sci-fi stone angels of death? Totally.) </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Mebbe now's a good time to move on to "5 Things I'm Glad I Did Today,</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">" starting with Item #1: Reinstate <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=liquid%20lunch" target="_blank">Liquid Lunch</a> practice. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Heh.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Cheers!//</span><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-21648621049101362172013-01-09T18:05:00.001-08:002013-01-09T18:05:22.488-08:00THIS. This Is Why Punctuation Is. SO. Important. And. Underutilized. A. Lot.<div dir="ltr">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Real tag from my local Fred Meyer super store:</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">Although, you gotta admit - the price IS right.</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">See, now, this is just confusing - are they selling cheeze made of ass cream or is it ass-y cream cheeze? Or is it Kroger Ass-brand cream cheeze. And why is it "cheeze"?!?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">C'mon Kroger folks! Don't you care enough to spare a comma?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(Recycled from my Facebook page, because it's funny. Also because </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">apparently I am</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> an 8 year-old boy.)//</span></div>
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Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-33299023284176230272012-12-03T17:46:00.002-08:002012-12-03T17:46:25.602-08:00In Which I Get Bitch-Slapped By An Airbag.<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why hello there, Page Viewers -- lovely to see all the Ones of you again!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Soooo...whatcha been doin'?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Okay, I know it's been a looong time and I know I owe several entries, but it's been a very difficult few months. Not to whine, I know my life is still a cakewalk compared to millions of others in the word. And I realize that, for the most part, my problems are ridiculously first world and urban in nature -- but still, things have been tough.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">For example, on Halloween, I was in a car crash. I'm more-or-less physically okay and no one else was injured, Praise Ralph! (<-- How come no one ever gets this reference? Am I really that old...and the only person who ever watched "Good Times"???)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The fun car crash ocurred thusly:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, in case you've missed my whingeing about the weather here...because you've never read anything else I've written, apparently, haha...it's been raining non-stop in the Seattle area, lately.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> <i>"What? Rain in the Pacific Northwest?? The hell, you say!"</i></span><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> "STFU, Inner Imp. Not today, you jackhole."</span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> "Huh. Someone's a moody litt--HEY! Lemme outta this Jar of WTF!!"</span></i><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ahem. So yeah, it's been rainy and I was on my way to a volunteer meeting, that, due to Acts of God, had been rescheduled for the <b>third</b> time. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You know, I'm starting to think that The Universe doesn't want me to volunteer for this really good cause. I'm also starting to think that The Universe is kind of a douchebag.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyway, I'm getting onto the freeway interchange, which is a single lane road around a bend. I felt my front right tire slip and the next thing I know, I'm doing 360s on this single lane interchange and banging off the cement rail guards like a pinball in the hands of a wizard.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Gawds, that was AWFUL, Leslie -- there's got to be a twist!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">OY, REALLY??</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(Thank you! I'll be here all night. Try the lamb.)</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It kinda happened in slo-mo, like in the movies. When the airbags went off, I remember thinking, "Ha-ha, I'm probably going to die, but wouldn't it be funny if they really were full of popcorn, like in <a href="http://www.blogger.com/%3Ciframe%20id=%22nbc-video-widget%22%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22http://www.nbc.com/assets/video/widget/widget.html?vid=1353898%22%20frameborder=%220%22%3E%3C/iframe%3E" target="_blank">the SNL skit</a>?"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUC4YPw26vwliv0zmLedjMweZoAFITuyVOFj2BDNrpPL3mlpN59lm1gDhv38NKAYtIbsgRlciUaQj3PxDJ2f7nUgcOpdVDntghYMGP80EvncXASRKyaV55qU05fmCokyhINkwwwX1w/s1600/2012-10-31+12.56.48.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUC4YPw26vwliv0zmLedjMweZoAFITuyVOFj2BDNrpPL3mlpN59lm1gDhv38NKAYtIbsgRlciUaQj3PxDJ2f7nUgcOpdVDntghYMGP80EvncXASRKyaV55qU05fmCokyhINkwwwX1w/s320/2012-10-31+12.56.48.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">Airbags stink. I mean that literally. The gasses used to inflate them is <b><u>noxious</u></b>. I thought I was more likely to die from suffocation than from the crash. Plus I was <b><i>seriously</i></b> disappointed that they were not filled with popcorn.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmz6bXJkRYbM9QO8z7EVnyhiXi04uEb5ef32FJcD-QP3cYp0ncpfUIHVbtLoO10iHAdpuJSV3RGFFOuqp-i8EKzD1IxGz6lS_2svnHMoP3HXZ6Q67HSwHQO4SUYLtT9pX4_quW9Uw1/s1600/2012-10-31+13.02.19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmz6bXJkRYbM9QO8z7EVnyhiXi04uEb5ef32FJcD-QP3cYp0ncpfUIHVbtLoO10iHAdpuJSV3RGFFOuqp-i8EKzD1IxGz6lS_2svnHMoP3HXZ6Q67HSwHQO4SUYLtT9pX4_quW9Uw1/s320/2012-10-31+13.02.19.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">It was actually much worse than it looks here, it was totaled out. BTW, my poor car was named "Deathmobile." The irony of which is underwhelming.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I was shaken and luckily no one else drove past until I could get the car mostly off the road, as I was just past the bend in the road and couldn't be seen until too late. A very nice lady stopped and helped me make the necessary calls. Eventually a highway state patrol officer showed up and then a DOT guy, who was able to get my wrecked car fully out of the lane. Because it was raining, the officer had me get in the back seat of the patrol car to take my information. I couldn't stop crying, which made things even more awkward. The officer printed out a copy of my accident report and then the fucking fucker GAVE ME A FUCKING TICKET. For unsafe speeds due to weather conditions, even though I specifically remember slowing down before hitting the curve. And even though NO ONE WITNESSED WHAT HAPPENED! He said that the fact that I spun out where I did was all the proof he needed. never mind that there has been ongoing construction in that area for months and months and that before I spun out, it felt more like I hit a patch of something slick. He was not interested in hearing that. Just printed me a ticket.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then, even though I was still shaky and confused, he apparently he had somewhere much more important to be (I heard him on his cell phone that he was going to meet some guys for some football-related event) or just didn't feel the need to take me someplace safe, so he told me that the tow truck was on its way and to <b><i>WAIT FOR IT IN MY <u>WRECKED</u> <u>CAR</u>.</i></b> He said to put on my seatbelt and wait, that the tow truck would be there in 5 minutes. Of course, the cop was wrong about how long it would take the tow truck to show.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It didn't show at all.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So there I was, in my wrecked car, just past the blind spot on a single lane freeway interchange where I was trapped because I couldn't safely leave the site as there is nothing but brush on either side of the road. Finally, after waiting over an hour, I called my insurance company to help me out and they got me a tow that arrived in less than 15 minutes. The whole time I was freaked out that another car would spin out and hit me but I was so disoriented, I didn't know what to do but wait as I was told.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-picasa-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnApN-rVA7XwDyKBJPmuGegg7TS9d0Up9AWXGyFgbvVKzSXygTgj_CLsWaXjFOrB1uD382yDl-W05SJ_CssM56VGYoFjwV0KodAv2lXtUXejWi0ysU4vPry5Z9S_Kq2IMWicJ_kjY2/s1600/2012-10-31+12.58.08.mp4"><param name="movie" value="http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?videoUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fredirector.googlevideo.com%2Fvideoplayback%3Fid%3Dc74c204bde44ee3c%26itag%3D18%26source%3Dpicasa%26cmo%3Dsensitive_content%253Dyes%26ip%3D0.0.0.0%26ipbits%3D0%26expire%3D1357172836%26sparams%3Did%2Citag%2Csource%2Cip%2Cipbits%2Cexpire%26signature%3D5AF0432144A11A6654E351AA687B5F4C3367411C.BE8782CEF5378A5E5806FBE71E07662DB2531BC3%26key%3Dlh1" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?videoUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fredirector.googlevideo.com%2Fvideoplayback%3Fid%3Dc74c204bde44ee3c%26itag%3D18%26source%3Dpicasa%26cmo%3Dsensitive_content%253Dyes%26ip%3D0.0.0.0%26ipbits%3D0%26expire%3D1357172836%26sparams%3Did%2Citag%2Csource%2Cip%2Cipbits%2Cexpire%26signature%3D5AF0432144A11A6654E351AA687B5F4C3367411C.BE8782CEF5378A5E5806FBE71E07662DB2531BC3%26key%3Dlh1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The view from my death trap. Nice, yes?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">When I got picked up for my rental car, the driver told me that I was the third person just that day that she picked up who had crashed in the same place that I had! She said that one customer told her that the cop who took her report said that there was probably grease on the road due to all the construction and did not give her a ticket! Great. So, my cop was just an asshole. Ugh.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">P.S. Asshole Cop -- It turns out I also had a concussion. A. GODDAMN. CONCUSSION. AND YOU JUST LEFT ME ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ALONE IN MY WRECKED CAR!!!!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I think I may still have some unresolved anger issues.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Also, something they never tell you about in the safety ads -- I got a weird burn from the airbag:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtrF-3Er-DNrZg2fJpB5_k7_e9zXPDTHOaptE8b2NE1t_Qa0-YfcUfdsUdy1OLwUvf8sBK9jp85rPQj56JgH-cFQuDb0YFrGlpwC8p6vzCxwMR5BA7KK2oYBpcUReMp1__HzLlOlXJ/s1600/2012-11-01+15.39.21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtrF-3Er-DNrZg2fJpB5_k7_e9zXPDTHOaptE8b2NE1t_Qa0-YfcUfdsUdy1OLwUvf8sBK9jp85rPQj56JgH-cFQuDb0YFrGlpwC8p6vzCxwMR5BA7KK2oYBpcUReMp1__HzLlOlXJ/s320/2012-11-01+15.39.21.jpg" width="180" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">It's kinda hard to see in the pic, but the burn is that reddish patch just under the nail, over my thumb-knuckle. Is "thumb-knuckle" even a real thing? Anyway, it stung like hell.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I don't know if it's a chemical burn or an abrasion-type burn, like when we were kids, we'd give each other "twister" or "Indian" burns. If felt like that, only it hurt more and was not so racist-sounding.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyway, the ER doc I saw a couple of days later was really cute. He actually laughed a bit when he realized from my chart that this was the second car-related concussion I'd gotten since moving up here. (The first was exactly one year and one week prior, when I got rear-ended while completely stopped at a light. I swear this place is trying to kill me!) I guess I should've been affronted at that, I suppose, but the absurdity of that statement was not lost on me and besides, he was really charming in a nerdy kind of way, a/k/a "Leslie's Kryptonite."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, honestly, things have been going kinda downhill since then, but I'll spare you the uninteresting details and instead concentrate on posting those things I've promised and haven't gotten to and maybe other, more interesting things. Like how I plan to win the lottery and commission a "rain-only-when-I-want-it-to-rain-DAMNIT" machine. It's a thrilling tale.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">W</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">hat? It could happen! Don't bring a sistah down, H8ers! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yeeeeaahhh, I'll be going now. Lates, bizzatches! //</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-23951589404943739312012-08-23T16:27:00.001-07:002012-08-23T22:10:34.352-07:00A Mostly-Awesome Night! Alternate Title: “Hi Bloggess, I Love You, You Make Me Pee.”<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;">Or maybe
I should title this one: "What NOT To Say When One Meets One Of One’s Favorite
Bloggers. (Or DO You?)"</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>NOTE: Sorry, this ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated, so you might want to read
it in bits. Or while in the loo. Which I recommend because that would actually
kinda tie in to this post. But then you'll have to read it to find out why. A-HA!
See what I did there?? Go me.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Heya
Pageviewers! Miss me? </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Leslie. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Remember...?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">So,
because I promised I would post deets and pics (I'm SO hip, ducka-ducka) of my adventures when attending <a href="http://thebloggess.com/about/" target="_blank">Jenny "The Bloggess" Lawson's</a> book signing of <i><a href="http://thebloggess.com/lets-pretend-this-never-happened-a-mostly-true-memoir/" target="_blank">Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)</a></i>, here is the thrilling tale of “<i>When Leslie Met The
Bloggess…And Then Wished She Could Find A Table Under Which To Crawl.
Preferably Not The One At Which The Bloggess Was Already Sitting.</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Um, minus
the thrills, really. Maybe just kinda sad? I dunno, you be the judge. And,
because it's long—<i>and I got to meet her twice!</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">—I'll post this in two parts.
You're welcome.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Wednesday,
August 15, 2012<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Leslie:
</b>Hmm. I bet tons of people are going to be giving her gifts. I should probably
bring something too, because that’s just polite, right? Also, as I already
purchased the book, finances dictate that I not buy another copy at the
bookstore* where she is doing the signing, so I will need her to be on my side
when the employees figure that out and try to give me the boot. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(P.S. That totally did
not happen. The good people there were just as nice to me as if I were a paying
customer. Props to you <a href="http://www.elliottbaybook.com/" target="_blank">Elliott Bay Book Company</a>! You is classy.) </span></span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;">*SO sorry, </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.elliottbaybook.com/">Elliott Bay Book Company</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;">! You are a mighty fine bookstore that even The Limey, who is more a computer/electronics store kinda guy, wants to come back to explore. So I promise I’ll be back soon to actually purchase something! In the meantime, please enjoy this marketing blurb of your fine establishment to my ones of avid readers for free! Because I support you. Also, I don’t want you to spit in my latte when I do finally come back. Thanks.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Leslie: </b>But what
should I bring? I have zero crafty skills. Best go to Michaels.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Three
hours later...<o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Leslie: </b>I
really should get to Michaels before they close.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Another
three hours later...<o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Leslie:</b>
[on phone] Hi, what time do you close tonight...?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(You
should probably never ask me to go to Michaels for you, especially if you need
something ASAP.)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yet
another three hours later…<o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><b>Leslie:
</b>OMIGAWDS THERE IS SOOOOOO MUCH HERE THAT I COULD <i>TOTALLY</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> DOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!**<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: right;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">** I totally could not.</span></span></blockquote>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">After
losing my schnit and picking up about 48 projects that, let’s be honest, I
would need to hire a classroom full of 3<sup>rd</sup> graders to complete—and
learn to do in the first place—I finally settled on one thing and put back
(most of) the rest of the stuff. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">(What? I <i>so</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> can make handmade 3-D greeting
cards! I won't need to use the <i>really</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> sharp scissors, right? And I mean, yeah, I forgot to buy
glue, but I can use squashed cooked rice. It’s what we used when I was a kid
and we ran out of glue. Plus, it's a good excuse to make sticky rice for
dinner. With furukake. Yum. Anyway.)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This is
what I decided on:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvZIy69utcEZEhQNyuVh-YK2fyPt-wzk4x3o3p8iUASqBV4PUKkFNvqtGrpDcM5EzE9wm2l_SAC6MoGwD_MTbzEeRmIPexta6PEIPLZ91LXGCJqEc9H9i0fCJ2bfOnhiGjowXe2z57/s1600/Mustache+Fun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvZIy69utcEZEhQNyuVh-YK2fyPt-wzk4x3o3p8iUASqBV4PUKkFNvqtGrpDcM5EzE9wm2l_SAC6MoGwD_MTbzEeRmIPexta6PEIPLZ91LXGCJqEc9H9i0fCJ2bfOnhiGjowXe2z57/s400/Mustache+Fun.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Because nothing says "Fun!" or "You must pay the rent!" like a spiffy candy 'stache.</span></i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;">Yeah, you
should probably not let me run wild in Michaels. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;">But also, my little niece's birthday party was that weekend so I rationalized, </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;"><i>Seriously? What's cuter than a bunch of
little kids wearing mustaches?</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You
should probably not let me plan your kids' birthday parties, either.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Thursday,
August 16, 2012<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><b>Of
course<i> it’s 90-bloody-degrees</i></b></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i> the day I’m making candy mustaches! Argh.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">After
calling the Elliott Bay Book Company, um, maybe once or twice...or so...to verify
the process for that night (I'd heard that other signings required either
wristbands or tickets or both) and to check the status of the line...and
parking...and the line...again (you really are espectaularrrr, Elliott Bay Book Company!),
I finally showered and carefully packed up the mustaches in a cooler with a card
and some twine (but of course!) and a pair of scissors and some sticky notes
and my insulin and some tape—you know, I really don't know what I was worried
was going to happen. Like maybe a crafting emergency at the bookstore?!?
Anyway, it was a fairly roomy cooler and I like to be prepared. But only for
crafting emergencies, apparently.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">As is my
style, we got there but only <i>justintime.</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> We ended up being in the way back. Like so:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihuOzMURS6XuQ2humHQYNMpYJjVxau9lN-tuAdbE5hNooyWDNASlgmUHN9FJR3_cZlxiWZS1aqfHjAlS4iDwsp-Eyl_gGnpyp4rmDeKuxbfGbSu_VK3873rZNaMzmZbNy_ApSOm8ZI/s1600/Helloo-from-The-Way-Back.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihuOzMURS6XuQ2humHQYNMpYJjVxau9lN-tuAdbE5hNooyWDNASlgmUHN9FJR3_cZlxiWZS1aqfHjAlS4iDwsp-Eyl_gGnpyp4rmDeKuxbfGbSu_VK3873rZNaMzmZbNy_ApSOm8ZI/s640/Helloo-from-The-Way-Back.gif" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>That's me at the bottom, taking video. And that's Jenny The (Tiny) Bloggess waaaaay up front.</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> Hello Bloggess!</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">She read
from her book—her <i>last</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> reading, sayeth she—the chapter "The Psychopath on the Other Side of
the Bathroom Door" and she read it so that for the first time ever, I actually
wanted to buy an audio book because it was that fucking funny. (I don't like
audio books because, strangely, I become car sick whenever I listen to them, even when not in
a car. Not joking. And no, I have no idea why.) Bonus: even The Limey laughed
out loud <i>in public. </i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">So yeah, I am totally getting the audio book, if nothing else, for him
to enjoy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">After her
reading, she did a short Q&A that I greatly enjoyed because 1) She
willingly answered <i>everything</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> asked and B) <i><b>SHE SAID I WAS SO PRETTY!!!!11!!omg!ponies!!<o:p></o:p></b></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Here's
how <i>that</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">
happened:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(After
answering a few other questions.)<o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Bloggess:
</b>Next question?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Me:
</b>[<i>Raising hand and jumping because everyone is taller than me, including the
couple of tweens ahead and to the right of me.</i>]<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Bloggess:
</b>Yes, in the waaaay back.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><b>Me: </b>So
how much weight <i>did</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> you lose?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Now,
before you e-slap me for being rude, you need to know that the chapter she read
is about an attempted home colon-cleanse to make her meds work better and to
also lose three pounds quickly but instead ends up about explosive diarrhea and
an imaginary home invasion/predator who passes her notes before
imaginary-assaulting her. Seriously, read her book. It’s some funny shit,
literally. Now where were we? Oh yes:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><b>Me:
</b>(Jumping like a cricket in line for the port-a-potties at a concert) So how much weight <i>did</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> you lose?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><b>Bloggess:
</b>I'm sorry, I couldn’t hear you, <i>but you're so pretty! </i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">[</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><-- </span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">My italics, not hers.]<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I don’t
remember much what happened during the next four minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i><b>Y'all, I
got called "so pretty!"</b></i> <i>In public.</i> As in, in front of a lot of people who could
physically turn around and look down and verify said statement. Made by <b><i><a href="http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-traveling-red-dress-revisited/" target="_blank">this. woman.</a></i></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgna3aWqiWHeHmJeqUfPIgltq1YUOyIbP7t8HLNWAZdyhZtHLykZcM_-4dfS5ZoWWiWLQ0z65s2eC_sDE6dlAVAgdaLcT5UgGKcPpbBf72pK9iO9aRG8T553Iq1mvAGhFXyUyanMN7S/s1600/Bloggess-Red-Dress2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgna3aWqiWHeHmJeqUfPIgltq1YUOyIbP7t8HLNWAZdyhZtHLykZcM_-4dfS5ZoWWiWLQ0z65s2eC_sDE6dlAVAgdaLcT5UgGKcPpbBf72pK9iO9aRG8T553Iq1mvAGhFXyUyanMN7S/s400/Bloggess-Red-Dress2.jpg" title="http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-traveling-red-dress-revisited/" width="375" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>RIGHT?!?</i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I guess I
should be honest and tell you that before she started her reading, she did
mention that she took a lot of anti-anxiety meds prior to this appearance. Plus
I really was pretty...far back. Which makes sense, because this is what I looked
like that night:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi72ClYtzWKH1RZR1zf7NLZm3x1x-_LhYLOOhk1GbnPoxzJptWBFsge4sapfLtIrC5s6AI4xwT3aiREWkgp-NTuIxvsFYue-FvbqiV_6VWmFCcC-rrHNQvNnla3RvQTy2BD6qg9Ml0_/s1600/TOTALLY+Medicated.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi72ClYtzWKH1RZR1zf7NLZm3x1x-_LhYLOOhk1GbnPoxzJptWBFsge4sapfLtIrC5s6AI4xwT3aiREWkgp-NTuIxvsFYue-FvbqiV_6VWmFCcC-rrHNQvNnla3RvQTy2BD6qg9Ml0_/s320/TOTALLY+Medicated.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Hey Baby, want a piece of this cheesecake? That's right, I’m talkin' to you, HUGH JACKMAN. Hugh? Hey! Come back!!</span></i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yeah, she
was probably on a LOT of meds that night.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Still, it
was super-de-dupity unexpected and made me feel a bit giddy. A stranger
publicly said that I was "so pretty" even though I was really looking kind of a
schlump. And she didn’t want anything. And we aren’t even married.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">All too
soon, it was time to stand in line. A very long line that, because of the way
the crowd was managed, didn’t start moving for us at the back until well after
40 minutes. As I neared, I opened up my cooler to ready my gift <i>and
immediately dropped the contents of the abbreviated craft store contained
therein</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Of
course. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">As the
nice people in front of me helped me pick up the string and scissors and tape,
all I could do was sputter, "I swear, I’m not a freaky weirdo!" to which they
kindly replied, "Look who we all are, this fits in perfectly." Which is a clear
indication of the types of lovely people who get The Bloggess. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The
Limey, however, although also helping, just giggled at me. Which is a clear
indication that he is clearly not of the Race Who Knows Joseph. Bad Limey.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Finally,
it was my turn to meet The Bloggess! So what did Leslie do? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">She ran
straight for the stuffed toy capuchin, shrieking, "I LOVE YOU, COPERNICUS! I LOVE MONKEYS!!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Oy vey.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;"> </span></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLkOiX1HYfaIEq_P2uJgPNQWa5M90l-eOUvUD8I7t2vYUqXD5bIp7Hf8PPdGI9ZpbOp-sBHmhY2hmAg-9NTcoRnET1xQ9JZeg9xgk3EAalnGWSNaEmfyjjBQSfS-akyYZYqWqAzfZb/s1600/Copernicus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLkOiX1HYfaIEq_P2uJgPNQWa5M90l-eOUvUD8I7t2vYUqXD5bIp7Hf8PPdGI9ZpbOp-sBHmhY2hmAg-9NTcoRnET1xQ9JZeg9xgk3EAalnGWSNaEmfyjjBQSfS-akyYZYqWqAzfZb/s400/Copernicus.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I am a mess. But a happy mess because I love monkeys. Even homicidal ones, like Copernicus. Really, just read her blog already. You'll be glad if you do. Even more so than if you fed the birds. Now go watch "Mary Poppins" too.</span></i></span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;">I want to
believe that I did that because I was nervous. How nervous? Well, the first
thing I said to The Bloggess was, "Your blog makes me pee."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Oy fuck.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then,
while I tried to back-pedal, I handed her my book and while she was busy signing it, I also handed her my gift, which made her have to triple-task. She probably
should have clocked me with my book at this point, but she didn't. Instead, she
did this:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIdiJ8ORMkq6RgHoE5ad7jMEviuJL0A9_jrPTkKEAkG5-KdSqcfCb9gzvlJUjlniRWiHUFEAtlLLcXIttKpq_ckPWMD6qESZz_tLhxzlRQNpnnzkGzoVG4aQ605xSBMOb59-mzmPDf/s1600/I+Touched+Her+Monkey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIdiJ8ORMkq6RgHoE5ad7jMEviuJL0A9_jrPTkKEAkG5-KdSqcfCb9gzvlJUjlniRWiHUFEAtlLLcXIttKpq_ckPWMD6qESZz_tLhxzlRQNpnnzkGzoVG4aQ605xSBMOb59-mzmPDf/s400/I+Touched+Her+Monkey.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>Yes, I touched her monkey—</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">twice! <i>Jenny, you're a goddamned goddess. (Wait, what...?)</i></span></span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">She is
incredibly nice to her fans. And also very understanding of her peeps.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">She took
some normal pics with me and as I left her table, I asked her,"Would you think I'm a freaky-stalker if I also showed up at tomorrow's signing?" As soon
as I heard myself saying that <i>and realized how creepy it sounded when said
out loud</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">, I
internally smacked myself. She just smiled and
said, "No, please do come! You may be the only one there!" She sounded sincere
and not creeped-out. Well, not <i>very</i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> creeped-out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">After
that, The Limey and I got some Mexican food at a slightly questionable
establishment next to the lot where our car was parked. The quesadilla was not
so good and they didn’t seem to know what <a href="http://mexicanfood.about.com/od/bebidasdrinks/r/champurrado.htm" target="_blank">champurrado</a> was even though they
claimed to sell something called "Mexican Hot Chocolate" (I'm guessing it was
really Yoohoo with a dash of Tapatio) but their tamales were pretty tasty. The
Limey even ate one, which is amazing because ever since The Great Burnt Tortilla Food Poisoning
Event That Affected Only The British GI Tract of 2006, he generally avoids
Mexican food.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Wow. That
was a lot longer than I anticipated. Probably because I can’t seem to write a
straightforward narrative. But that’s the joy of keeping my own blog, I can do
crap like that. Teehee.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Stay
tuned for Part II of "Leslie Meets The Bloggess Who Surprisingly Did Not Run Away" to be posted, um, later. Until
then, please to enjoy this picture of Copernicus…because I also forgot to post a pic
of my mustache gift earlier and this is probably the best one I have.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1YWkrFu8W80_iN8dsPBXezyS4_B7Y0lStbh59JSTjefHHniXWucy9zoK8IdCTl2tzkBRa2BNvJCNtpW0vtecf3AZ5NnuC3MGodE43vbrl96MkKBqYaNVEO7guxNeH4kEndIRdK1qA/s1600/Copernicus+Covets+A+Candy+Mustache.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1YWkrFu8W80_iN8dsPBXezyS4_B7Y0lStbh59JSTjefHHniXWucy9zoK8IdCTl2tzkBRa2BNvJCNtpW0vtecf3AZ5NnuC3MGodE43vbrl96MkKBqYaNVEO7guxNeH4kEndIRdK1qA/s400/Copernicus+Covets+A+Candy+Mustache.jpg" title=""I covet a candy mustache!" obsesses Copernicus the Slightly-Murderous Monkey." width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>The Bloggess seemed to like it and appreciated that it was presented in a ball of twine. I don't know for sure, but I'd like to believe she went back to her hotel room and staged a Victorian conversation on literature and the weather and did NOT just throw them away, although that's probably what happened, realistically, as it was </i></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">so. damn. hot.<i> and they likely all just melted before she even got to her car.</i></span></span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Also, </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;">I hope a stranger calls you "so pretty" in public too, Pageviewers! Especially if, like me, it doesn't happen that often. And by "that often" I mean "never." </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px;">And maybe then I won’t sound like such a freaktard.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ciao for niao! (<-- Great googly-moogly...) //</span></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-25469418778995003972012-08-14T17:40:00.000-07:002012-08-14T17:40:20.429-07:00SO. MUCH. ROKKIN' BLOGGESS GOODNESS!!<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://thebloggess.com/" target="_blank">The Bloggess</a> is doing a book signing at a <a href="http://shop.costco.com/en/In-The-Warehouse/Author-Signings.aspx" target="_blank">Costco</a> near me!!!!11!!!omg!<a href="http://thebloggess.com/2012/08/im-tempted-to-do-this-whole-post-in-caps-thats-how-excited-i-am-about-it/" target="_blank">wingedponies</a>!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt_OnHDD0WZ2G58v-djUfodztOjybcTCc2garADMpy7gHspbDMu1ZGoemy3KcJlJva088ndQB-5fFnGSe54xLaelUUrRo6Io9NT3-cjN8BM_203Wd_i6uiYZVK7YU_2BXDTmxf3wlE/s1600/PEGASUS2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img alt="" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt_OnHDD0WZ2G58v-djUfodztOjybcTCc2garADMpy7gHspbDMu1ZGoemy3KcJlJva088ndQB-5fFnGSe54xLaelUUrRo6Io9NT3-cjN8BM_203Wd_i6uiYZVK7YU_2BXDTmxf3wlE/s400/PEGASUS2.jpg" title="I totally lifted this from her site. But then I linked back to it above, so that's not technically stealing, right? I mean, THIS is why I love her! http://thebloggess.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/PEGASUS2.jpg" width="260" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-style: italic; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">"It's like The Never Ending Story, part 12." - The Bloggess. <br />P.S. That kitten is Hunter S. Thomcat and he is not stuffed. At least, he wasn't to my knowledge and as of this posting. </span></span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">A <i><b>freakin' </b>COSTCO</i>. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> <i> "Even I am quite excited."</i></span><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> "Bet your sweet patootie you are, Inner Imp!"</span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> "Still not as dorky as you, though."</span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> "Whatevs. w0000000000t!!!!"</span></i><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I am in ecstatic raptures. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyvD3CqKdOA_m8uocAB7FF94NB3PJ7_asJGgHnczUW0asEn5SPS8E81dieq7lPNU5V8Zo5zJO1Sdh5bqDXEYZxNL6Gc4FS9UZ_ciwa1RTk3DBeObjxGwhkQSr9auBFiDGQek_gK7dE/s1600/IMAG0179.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyvD3CqKdOA_m8uocAB7FF94NB3PJ7_asJGgHnczUW0asEn5SPS8E81dieq7lPNU5V8Zo5zJO1Sdh5bqDXEYZxNL6Gc4FS9UZ_ciwa1RTk3DBeObjxGwhkQSr9auBFiDGQek_gK7dE/s400/IMAG0179.jpg" width="300" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Okay, well, maybe this pic isn't quite...rapturous...but I <b>am</b> pretty friggin' happy there!! Just like I will be on Friday. In line. AT COSTCO!</i></span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Stay tuned for pics. Hopefully not of me falling down in front of her. Or on her. Or on any of her ethically-taxidermied pals. (<-- See? She's also conscientious. How can one not love her??)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That is all. //</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
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Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-71110359140832435472012-08-03T00:23:00.002-07:002012-08-03T00:23:36.905-07:00Geeking Out, Whovian-Style<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">OMIGAH LOOKEE THE NEW TRAILER FOR THE NEXT SEASON OF <i>DOCTOR WHO</i>!!!!!!11!!!! </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/qrEUBl2pacU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This looks really fracking cool too:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/VUEUOqwBttI?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Aaaand love this as well:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/wrZrs-Ucw4w?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Which also explains why there will never be a female, Japanese-American, 5-foot-<i>haha</i>, thirty-<i>mumble-mumble</i>-year-old -- okay, why <i><b><u>I</u></b></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> could never be a future Doctor:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><b>They run too. damn. much.</b></i> </span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Apparently, you gotta be okay with the running to be The Doctor. Unless Steven Moffat decides it's okay to have a Doctor who saunters, I am <b><i>aces</i></b> at sauntering. (I also mosey pretty well, too, but that might just be <i>too</i> American.) Oh well, c'est la bummer.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But I could totally be a Companion!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMqra68ZasclPGX9OtgLqNKBYC1NRRHnNEqdhO3le9VtjWq5kIR5qJ7FmXAfZUYym_QcK85JThv24O1jQ0_lGN0lomR-UqqAqJ1Oeo4dgROpb7U1zJUoF0gDbFtm_lnYtklu34zm8m/s1600/Doctor+Who+Exp,jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMqra68ZasclPGX9OtgLqNKBYC1NRRHnNEqdhO3le9VtjWq5kIR5qJ7FmXAfZUYym_QcK85JThv24O1jQ0_lGN0lomR-UqqAqJ1Oeo4dgROpb7U1zJUoF0gDbFtm_lnYtklu34zm8m/s400/Doctor+Who+Exp,jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>"Doctor, lookout -- we're being followed by an anemic Dahlek! Or it might be just an alien disguised as a water-cooler intent on taking over our spleens! Whatever, YOU RUN WHILE I SAUNTER AWAY!!!!!!!! "</i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And just in case you you need one...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijqncYh2cuVz2LJS2g5TBRfF86YPGUwxMH9LH4VpD0gXOWR5nfJQGU5ghUjzd3AaW0Tha2NABKt-yQ2z2GaJBl6luw6QQNW-fwwBGDt3-YtL3Q0qxDPhy9z_BMnKGUFdDZmP_GRwe_/s1600/Pandorica+Loos.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijqncYh2cuVz2LJS2g5TBRfF86YPGUwxMH9LH4VpD0gXOWR5nfJQGU5ghUjzd3AaW0Tha2NABKt-yQ2z2GaJBl6luw6QQNW-fwwBGDt3-YtL3Q0qxDPhy9z_BMnKGUFdDZmP_GRwe_/s400/Pandorica+Loos.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>It's where I would've put 'em too. Maximum privacy. Except for that damn Roman soldier mooning about. Heh - I said "mooning."</i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In case you need a toilet, that is. Not a Pandorica. Although I kinda wouldn't mind one of those too. I have a old kindergarten nemesis to find and lock up. Then I'd totally be all "<i>I'm coming for you, Brian J.</i>!" </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Awesome.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">GEEK OUT. //</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<br />Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-9119368032039817442012-08-01T14:05:00.000-07:002012-08-01T14:19:09.251-07:00He's My New Sean Connery In That I LUUUURVS HIMS And, Even though He Probably Doesn't Yet Need Them, I Would Happily Change His Depends And Follow Him Around All Day To, Like, Cuff His Trouser Legs. And Stuff.<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Heehee! </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sir Richard Branson has read <i>Fifty Shades of Grey</i> AND posted a relatively <a href="http://www.virgin.com/richard-branson/blog/50-shades-of-grey-to-black-lace" target="_blank">thoughtful commentary</a>. Didn't think that was really possible. However, was just a tad disappointed to read that he "borrowed his wife's copy." </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(C'mon Branson - nut-up and admit you bought it for her in the first place!!)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But otherwise...Gawds, I love that man. I should probably devote a separate post to why. I may, someday but for now, I'm happy to be known as his creepy #1 fan. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In other bizarro news, apparently there is now <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/book/Fifty_Shades_Trilogy/" target="_blank">fan-fic</a> devoted to </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Fifty Shades -- which started out as fan-fic in the first place!! </i>I know that there's some kind of physics term that probably describes this, but for now, I'm filing it under "WTF?!? News."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And I'll probably go read some now. For research purposes. Of course. Ahem.//</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<br /></div>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-87333405024616378662012-07-30T17:57:00.001-07:002012-07-30T17:57:05.226-07:00It’s Only Tuesday And Already There’ve Been Two Ways In Which I Realize I Am Never Going To Get A Giant Phallic Monolith Named After Me.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">NOTE:
I started writing this post last week and then spent a week feeling all
depressed and apathetic. Hence the very belated posting and the very outdated
title. Sorry.</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Helloooo Pageviewers! Miss me?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, this
past Sunday (which was actually the Sunday before last, see NOTE above), we watched <i>In
Time</i> (Justin Timerberlake, Amanda Seyfried, buncha other young Hollywood
types). While a very interesting concept and not a horrible film, sadly I don't
feel it was done as well as it could have been. Felt too unexplained. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">However,
it did start an interesting conversation between me and The Limey, namely: What would
you do if you had a superhero conversion, i.e., sudden unlimited time or
unlimited knowledge or unlimited strength, etc.?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The Limey
said that he'd want unlimited knowledge, as in the movie <i>Limitless</i> and if he did, he'd then use it
to help solve humanity's problems. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Really?" says I with incredulity and a couple of other big words of description.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Well..." he started.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"A-HA!" says I, with alacrity and other possibly-incorrectly-used big words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then he
admitted that realistically he’d probably go through a short period of time
where he'd "play around with it" first. By the way, his idea of being selfish? "I'd want to
win figure out how to win the Lottery and then d some good with the money, like
give it to charity."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Karma
butt-kisser.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I, on the
other hand, had immediately decided that should that happen to me, I would
first teach myself teleportation so I could go to 7-11 and get a Slurpee
without having to get in the car because I <b><i>really</i></b> wanted a Slurpee just at
that moment. Next, I would figure out the easiest (read, "laziest") way to diet and exercise.</div>
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<!--EndFragment--></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then of
course I would <i><b>totally</b></i> get on the solving the humanity's problems thing, I
bet. Such as how to get this neighborhood TO GET ON A GODDAMNED SCHEDULE SO
THAT EVERYONE GETS THEIR FREAKING LAWNS DONE ON THE SAME DAY INSTEAD OF ON A
ROTATING SCHEDULE SO THAT THERE IS <u>ALWAYS</u> A FUCKING LAWNMOWER AND/OR HEDGER
GOING, MAKING GAWDS-AWFUL NOISE AND KICKING UP ALLERGY-INDUCING SHIT FROM 7AM
TO 7PM EVERY MOTHERFUCKING SUMMER'S DAY AAAARRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ahem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You know, I'm thinking it's probably best that I don't have a superhero moment. I admit, I don't think I’m to
be trusted. And I should probably also get some ear plugs and allergy pills.
And also, I should get a Slurpee machine installed in my home because I am just
<b><i>that</i></b>
lazy. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">How's that for honesty?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyway,
so the other thing was that yesterday (last Tuesday), President Obama came to
town <b>and</b> he
was actually going to be on <i>this side</i> of the lake. w00t. In fact they were shutting down one of
the bridges from Seattle to the East Side just for the Presidential motorcade,
so The Limey and I thought we'd try to find a perch somewhere to see if we
could watch the motorcade cross the bridge. Figgered there'd be a lot of police
escorting and a long line of cars, so even if we were a half-mile or so away,
it'd still be something to see, right? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It probably would have, but as luck
would have it, we were to never know. While trying to get to our decided-on
vantage point—a park to one side of the floating bridge—we actually got stuck
on the bridge that they were closing because they closed it off 10 minutes
earlier than announced. The kicker? We were stuck on the <i>on-ramp</i>. SO. LAME.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We
decided, what the hell, we'll go hang out at the park anyway. It was a
beautiful day, finally, and the park had a pretty nice view of the bridge from
there. Also turns out it's the neighborhood where all the tech richies live,
e.g., Bill Gates and the like. It's also the neighborhood the POTUS was
actually in for his first fundraiser. Which we discovered when we got lost
trying to get home and ended up with the first part of the motorcade's police
escort driving up on our tails and scaring the living crap outta me. So we
pulled over to a gas station where a small group had also gathered, then
immediately got blocked-in by more police. So we got out and waited with the
other onlookers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwZc3Ot59fXOG61Ci48vv_Udrzoif8GigMhS5wAK_lcDw_vcvuuVykcXbhQBrJT4I2HG7vDDX7PvxamEZSG7Q' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">After
about 100 motorcycle cops—and that’s not even an exaggeration—drove past, the
main part of the motorcade passed within 10 feet of us, including the POTUS,
who is hard to see in the photos I took, but whom I clearly saw because I could
see his skinny arm doing that presidential wave thingy and DAMN! someone give
that man a sammich STAT! <i>With extra cheese!<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Mmm…cheese.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNX-PEHUY-dsn-z8cZvKDiTXvJIrDJKx8TxWr0fuWGirmz5VAH9wy62C8DuAlYEAR0d3U59M4ABCsp_n9c9Ue4f12F1IA5J2dRoxiyX2DpCFdJ5sznPRttmoj26_vbYugjT3Rzdu4A/s1600/POTUS+in+WA.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNX-PEHUY-dsn-z8cZvKDiTXvJIrDJKx8TxWr0fuWGirmz5VAH9wy62C8DuAlYEAR0d3U59M4ABCsp_n9c9Ue4f12F1IA5J2dRoxiyX2DpCFdJ5sznPRttmoj26_vbYugjT3Rzdu4A/s320/POTUS+in+WA.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Yes, we were THATCLOSE to the country's most powerful man! Except that I could probably break him by sitting on his femur. He <i>really</i> needs, like, a Jewish grandmother, a Latina mama, and an Italian aunt to cook him a meal or two.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Here's
the text-exchange between my sister and myself later that night:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">M</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">e:<i> We
got lost in Hunts Point on the way home tonight and ended up seeing Obama right
up close as he drove by!! :) (<-- Yes, I love emoticons. Breaks up the text. And they’re
cute. AND I’M A GIRL.)</i></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"></span></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sister:
<i>Awesome! Did you moon him?</i></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"></span></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Me:<i> No way!
There were literally 100 cops in the motorcade and one was parked 3 feet to my
left with The Limey in between us. Didn’t need to get me arrested and him
deported!</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"></span></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sister:<i>
You should have at least titty flashed him, he would have appreciated it.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Me: <i>What’s
wrong with you? If I did that, then I wouldn’t’ve been able to see him as he drove
by.</i></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"></span></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sister:<i>
This is true, your line of sight would have been blocked.</i></span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Now that I think about it, I'm thinking that maybe she didn't believe me in the first place.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then I
thought, <i>Tho' my logic 'tis sound, </i><b>would</b><i> he have appreciated it?</i> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> "NOBODY talks like that, even in their heads, Dork."</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> "</i><b>I</b><i> do, Inner Imp. Ergo, So. Do. You. Take that!"</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> "Augh! Curses, methinks!"</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> "A-HA! I WIN!!!!!!!!!!11!!omg ponies!!!!"</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> "SUCH the Dork."</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Back to my rack and the POTUS. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyway, while I've got fairly bodacious ta-tas, then again, the President might be an arm or leg kinda guy</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">—</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">to wit, Michelle Obama.
WHOM I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING AS STUPID AS TRY TO ENTICE HER MAN 'CUZ I HAVE ZERO DOUBT SHE COULD AND WOULD SHORELY KICK MY ARSE FROM HERE TO SOUTH CENTRAL.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then I
thought, I really, <b><u>really</u></b> want a Slurpee.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then I
thought about all that I had thought about in the last 48 hours and came to the
conclusion of <b><i>that </i></b>is why I’ll never be the President Of The United States. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And I’m
thinking the world is much better off that way. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You’re welcome, World. You’re
welcome. //</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-46272903995833255862012-07-20T16:44:00.003-07:002012-07-20T18:14:21.680-07:00I Am An Angry Nerd<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Today is not a day for funny posts.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Today is a day for showing compassion to and support for our fellows in pain and to <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57476379/questions-remain-over-mass-shooting-at-batman-screening-in-colo/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">mourn</a> a bewildering and inexplicable intrusion on innocence.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I guess everyday should be a day for this, so much bad happens all over the world all the time. But this hit home pretty hard. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">These victims could just as easily have been me or someone I love: I've stood in line for a midnight showing of a movie before, I really want to see <b>this</b> movie, I might have even dressed up for a screening in the past. In fact, seeing "The Dark Knight" is the chosen activity for my husband's and mine's date night this week and yes, we even discussed waiting in line for a midnight showing. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Because like the victims, <i>I am a fan and I am a sci-fi/fantasy nerd and I am <b>proud</b> to call myself so.</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So I send my thoughts and prayers and healing wishes to the victims and their families. I pray for easement of pain and justice for all. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And my Inner Imp and I both pray for a very small cell with a very large, very angry, comic book-loving cellmate for that sociopath. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Because NOBODY fucks with my peeps. NOBODY. //</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-5100754884517929752012-07-17T16:26:00.001-07:002012-07-17T17:29:27.600-07:00UPDATED: I Swear I’m Not Phoning In This Post—I REALLY Am All Dorky-Excited!! Also, Albanian Hackers Must Have Seriously Low Standards.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, again, I was looking at my stats page because I am
narcissistic and neurotic like that. The Audience page is my favorite because
the one thing for which I truly love Teh Interwebs is the ability to connect with people all around the world fairly easily.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Look, you’re reading the musings of the dork whose idea of a
fun time during her youth was to peruse the “Pen Pals Wanted” sections of
magazines. The thought of making a friend anywhere in the world and via just my words always seemed
so awesome-making!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Oh, and FYI, as a kid, I read mostly youth-oriented-type magazines. Thank gawds, or this would be a waaaaay different kinda "blog." <i>I</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>f you know
what I mean!</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> “No, nobody </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b>ever</b></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>
knows what you mean. Dork.”</i></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">
“O.D. on cranky pills much, Inner Imp?”</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">
</span><i>“Um, ‘dork’ was </i>your<i> word choice. Also, you do realize that you are
talking to a fictional manifestation of yourself, right?”</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">
“LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-I-CAN’T-HEAR-YOU!!”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">
</span></i><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Yeah—dork."</span></i><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> also read a lot of National Geographic, but that’s because for, like 30 years, a good friend of my Dad bought our family a yearly subscription for Christmas. I know, right? What a <i>seriously</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> classy gift! (Mahalo mucho, Miles!) <-- </span>See what I did there? <b><i>International alliteration</i></b><span style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">. I’m so cosmopolitan. Fukkyeah! </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">A</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">s it turned out, I did make one lasting pen pal, <b>(Hi Nikki, 31 years and counting!)</b> with a girl from <i>Wales</i> which seemed, like, the <b>most <i>exotic</i></b><span style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"> place ever! (Says the girl who, although her father worked for an international airlines for over 30 years and could take the family </span><i>anywhere in the world for free</i><span style="font-style: normal;">, never traveled outside of North America until she was in HER. FREAKIN’. THIRTIES (30s). </span><-- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">BOOHISS x a google-the-number!)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So yeah, I dig the thought of connecting with people all over the world. Even if you’re just some Albanian hacker trying to get to my fortunes, that’s still kinda-sorta neato. [BWAH-HAHAHA! <i>My fortunes.</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"> Note to Albanian hackers—it’s so NOT worth hijacking my identity, you won’t even be able to get credit for a bad joke.]</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Here are the areas that Blogger tells me I have pageviewers:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9wEe13yh_wz4-ZW9c2lb6ST3cFhL9LMyMKQ2bDPiOCpLiALxSIyfEzUf85xHH5hwjmihQfy1kH0tzDU605Ip8LZQG1wp6GfcxCLv6-X7EjvRHu0iB98GoLp-2HKq7zElXSfPgp7Ln/s1600/Pageviews.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9wEe13yh_wz4-ZW9c2lb6ST3cFhL9LMyMKQ2bDPiOCpLiALxSIyfEzUf85xHH5hwjmihQfy1kH0tzDU605Ip8LZQG1wp6GfcxCLv6-X7EjvRHu0iB98GoLp-2HKq7zElXSfPgp7Ln/s400/Pageviews.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>Yes, I know I’ve used this picture before. But it had much less green then and green is the new</i></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">—OMIGAWDS LOOKY </span></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>I’M SO POPULAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahem.</i></span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">In all honesty, I really don’t
know what “Pageviews by Countries” means in terms of, well, anything
significant. I just know that someone in these countries has looked my blog.
Well, I <i>think</i></span><span style="color: black;"> that’s what it mean. So even though this tells me someone has looked at this blog but not necessarily
read it, I still feel that I should be a polite hostess and at least give you,
my International Pageviewer, something to read, because I think it would be
rude to <i>assume</i> you read English. Although chances are, you probably read at least some whilst I am pretty illiterate in everything but. Also, this is more or less where my
language hospitality will likely end because sadly, English is the only
language I can write in...not even well and just barely, at that. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">B</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">ut for now, I would like to just say to the...</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">Russians: <i>Privet!</i></span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">Canadians: <i>Hi, eh? /
Bonjour, eh?</i></span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">Germans: <i>Guten tag!</i></span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">United Kingdom-ians: <i>How ya
doin’, mate?</i></span><span style="color: black;"> (Please address disagreements on this to The Limey.)</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">French: <i>Bonjour!</i></span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">Irish: <i>Dia dhuit!</i></span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">Cambodians: <i>Joom reab
suor!</i></span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">South Koreans: <i>Ahnyong!</i></span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">Dutch (Netherlands): <i>Goeiendag!</i></span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And last but not least...</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #222222;"><br /></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">Americans: <i>Hi! /
Hey! / Howdy! / Yo! / Aloha! / Howzit? / </i></span><i>Alianaiq! / iHola! / </i></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>‘Sup bee-yotches?</i><span style="color: #222222; font-style: normal;"></span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ME4YGK2xrIJiGZ1m815CbKkA5H-T-a5i0Rz9e1an9BHOGomOIJY5JZJhqoGzgXSts_5iKPHWBKBVMrswazZG-YesuGlWJwDytrueuUguCDIxH3_oIt7Pe3nbE5XF32MfJcUXxcxS/s1600/Star-Spangled+Hello.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3ME4YGK2xrIJiGZ1m815CbKkA5H-T-a5i0Rz9e1an9BHOGomOIJY5JZJhqoGzgXSts_5iKPHWBKBVMrswazZG-YesuGlWJwDytrueuUguCDIxH3_oIt7Pe3nbE5XF32MfJcUXxcxS/s400/Star-Spangled+Hello.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">Spangles courtesy of my two little nieces, a trip to the craft store, and an f-ton of sugar. I'm such a good auntie. Also, I just realized that I put the apostrophe in "ever'body" in the wrong place. Oops.</span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
G<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">awds, I love Teh Interwebs.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Again, sorry, but that’s pretty much all the
International-language blogging I can do.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"> Unless I do
a blog post of just foods and swear words, in which case, I could probably do
about 12 other posts.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">(I used to work at a language school, where I got free
tuition but all I ever learned was the important stuff: foods and swear words.
Oh and “Where is the beer?/Where is the toilet?” <i>Of course. </i></span><span style="color: black;">So
if you ever need to pay someone to create a manual on those topics, I’m your
girl. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">Yes, I’m talking to YOU</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">—</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: black;">LONELY PLANET / FROMMER’S / FODOR’S! You should
be so lucky.)</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">P.S. I call dibs on THAT travel guide, bizzatches! //</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">UPDATE the First: Just got a hit from Sweden!! So Hej, my Swedish Pageviewer! </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Där är öl? (I think.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-38021892340342142862012-07-13T19:18:00.001-07:002012-07-13T19:18:08.172-07:00How A Slurpee Made Me Jackhole Of The Day. Damn Slurpees. They Should Be Called "Sloppees." (You're Welcome, 7-11 Marketing Peeps.)<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><i>Number Of People I've Interacted With Today (Other Than The Limey): 1</i></b></span><br />
<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Number Of People I've Managed To Piss Off Today</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(Other Than The Limey)</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">: 1</span></i></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, two of us up here in the Pacific Northwest had a bad 7-11 day today: Me and the Grumpy 7-11 Clerk. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It started out AWESOME. My local 7-11/bank actually featured a sugar-free Slurpee today -- el yay! But then it all went downhill from there, as the Grumpy 7-11 clerk -- who <i>clearly</i> did not share my enthusiasm for the rare, non-mango-flavored, sugar-free Slurpee -- had to be a jerkface and ruin my Slurptastic mood just because A) I accidentally gave him soggy, Slurpee-covered lottery slips, which <i>clearly</i> indicated that I was an evil, puppy-killing machine because now he had to input the numbers by hand and 2) I then spilled said Slurpee on his counter and stared wildly at the mess, torn between running off to find paper towels to clean it up, and leaving my spot in line thus leaving my lottery tickets -- and Slurpee -- unattended. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You know, in my defense, I didn't even realize that the lottery slips were covered in Slurpee when I handed them to him. He didn't really say anything about them until he grumbled that he had to input the numbers manually. I offered to redo the slips, but he was all, "Why do you come here? You are an evil puppy-killing machine and I hate you!" <-- Okay, he didn't actually <b>say</b> these words, but he <b>did</b> loudly emote that <i>at me</i>. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">He's a <i>mean</i> jerkface.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Also, I wouldn't have spilled my Slurpee in the first place if <strike>I wasn't so pathetically clumsy</strike> they didn't make the straws so damn hard to open! Which is how I accidentally elbowed my Slurpee and knocked it over onto his counter. I mean, really? Why the need to hermetically seal the straws in vulcanized plastic? Just because they have spoony ends? Does this make them rare and exotic tools of civilization??</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0ugr6QsWRQh2fNCMaA29xma7amwthbGpplcs3ALJ6MeD6Vf7GqDz3rhqn7oaW8fPbuo6Vxw8rxAWQbtAyVbpGxF7OrTXLRRr0Dfrt_lbjqWbUKVHR-ct-KhnUBQqnatNID3__TUGR/s1600/Slurpeee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0ugr6QsWRQh2fNCMaA29xma7amwthbGpplcs3ALJ6MeD6Vf7GqDz3rhqn7oaW8fPbuo6Vxw8rxAWQbtAyVbpGxF7OrTXLRRr0Dfrt_lbjqWbUKVHR-ct-KhnUBQqnatNID3__TUGR/s320/Slurpeee.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">The offending Slurpee with exotic-tool-of-civilization-spoony-end. Which I sometimes find works better THE OTHER WAY. (Hear that, Mean Jerkface 7-11 Clerk?!?)</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The first time I bought lottery tickets there, I promised him that if I won big, I'd get him something nice. This time, he didn't even wish me good luck, as he usually does. So that, plus today's bad attitude means I get to go back on that promise. Anyway, that promise only applied to that first time, which I <b>did</b> <b>not</b> win, thank you very nothing.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">He's going to be SO sorry when I win the jackpot and the dry cleaning guys next door get, like, Ferraris from me and he gets <i>nothing</i>. Except more Slurpee on his counter and <b>that</b> time, it will be the full-sugar kind. 'Cause I am a vengeful Imp. So there.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> "Yay me!" - </i>Inner Imp</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Sigh. //</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-69285219126654016232012-07-09T01:56:00.001-07:002012-07-09T02:11:26.428-07:00How You Know I Am A TOTAL n00B At This Blogging Thingy. And that Canadians Are Super-Nice But Sometimes, Kinda Dumb. Well, Maybe Just the Ones Who Worked For The Olympics…At Very High Altitudes.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, I happened to look at the
stats page on my blogger thingy because honestly, I had no idea that I had any stats to report—or that any stats existed to begin with—and also I was completely driven by morbid curiosity, all set to be sad that no one is reading this. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(And by “no one,” I am most
specifically referring to my husband. Yes, YOU, LIMEY. Bad Limey.)</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyway, so I look and <i>Rockabye Sweet Baby James</i>—<b>I had <i>117 views</i></b>!
And NOT including my own!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">w00t! w00t!! w00t!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> “’</i>w00t<i>?’
Nerd.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> “Shuddup, Inner Imp.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> “…and use! a few more!! exclamation
points!!! next time!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> “Did I say shuddup? I meant SHUT THE HELL
UP. I'm putting you in a wax-sealed mason jar today. Goodbye.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">What was I saying? Oh yes, w00t.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There’s a pic of where the
views are coming from, like so:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBt0vr4d76LGI3gFws87zh9otJII8E1SpGM4KqZm9vIl5xiTlsSEst2wb6GhxSa0EJfNr7UzYFDcT5fWPRtU_E48HE2npfLA8U4o3Qjaaksv-GsR-3jjuzO4F_aoWVknsRkqvEsi1Z/s1600/Stats+Grab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBt0vr4d76LGI3gFws87zh9otJII8E1SpGM4KqZm9vIl5xiTlsSEst2wb6GhxSa0EJfNr7UzYFDcT5fWPRtU_E48HE2npfLA8U4o3Qjaaksv-GsR-3jjuzO4F_aoWVknsRkqvEsi1Z/s320/Stats+Grab.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>You can see how this can be confusing. Especially when viewed on a 4.5-in phone screen. Yes, that’s a large screen—for a PHONE—and yes, I was in the midst of a depressing bout of apathy and couldn’t get myself to a real computer to look this up. </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>I admit it, </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>I can haz pathetic.</i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then I got super-de-dupity
excited because <i>I thought I had (a) view(s) from <u><b>Alaska</b></u>!</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Eskimo w00t—FTW!<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It didn’t occur to me until
muuuuch later that the majority of my views, naturally, are from the USA. Which
includes Alaska. Which is why it is highlighted on the map.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Quelle bummer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Oh well, I’m still going to
tell my (only) Alaskan Native story, as it really happened to me (and three of
my sisters). It’s funny, because it happened in Canada. Maybe that’s not really
a reason to be considered funny, but all things Canadian generally make me
giggle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, somehow, I got to go to
the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Not that <i>how</i> that happened is a real mystery—three of my sisters
got the tickets and arranged everything—but how <b><i><u>I</u></i></b> got to be a part of that group is a fortuitous event.
I think the original 4<sup>th</sup> person had to cancel because of a bad cold,
or something that, if I thought about it more, would probably be ironical.
(BOOP! Honk.) <-- By the way, 1000 points that don’t matter to whomever gets that
reference—EXCEPT YOU, MONICA.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgZZV0VLcEujt3NVVly2IUdYBEv9wZf-TMFcsNLwcfymnO_06a2l6YWBdzZJ_nyR9_hc0Rqw2DlPzsfqMtymzbQYsZ9nSl1W6fB299WfvhLBg_0Nk0fPKOAVXPsVJHLLW50wiigiLF/s1600/Olympic+Mascots+2010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgZZV0VLcEujt3NVVly2IUdYBEv9wZf-TMFcsNLwcfymnO_06a2l6YWBdzZJ_nyR9_hc0Rqw2DlPzsfqMtymzbQYsZ9nSl1W6fB299WfvhLBg_0Nk0fPKOAVXPsVJHLLW50wiigiLF/s320/Olympic+Mascots+2010.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>Hello super-cute <a href="http://www.kidzworld.com/article/22508-meet-the-2010-winter-olympic-mascots" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">2010 Winter Olympic Mascots</a>…plus confusing 4<sup>th</sup>-ish mascot-who-is-not-really-a-mascot-so-why-the-hell-do-you-even-exist?? *cough-merchandising-opportunity-cough*</i></span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">One of the events we had
tickets to was a ski-jump event, which actually took place in Whistler,
British Columbia, about a 2.5-hour drive away. There were shuttles we could take
from Vancouver to get to the event at Whistler Mountain and then from there, to
visit the <a href="http://www.whistler.com/gay_friendly_whistler/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">(gay-friendly) Whistler Village</a>, which I believe was built specifically for the
Olympics. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(Sidenote: First place I ever ate <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=poutine" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">poutine</a>. Yum. What a great day…that
I also greatly rue. DAMN YOU DELICIOUS AND REEEEALLY BAD FOR YOU POUTINE!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So after the event, we took
the extra shuttle to check out the Village, ‘cause, really, when the hell else
would we ever go there, right? Eeeexunktly. We were told that there were
last-call shuttle times, but because of a misunderstanding of, well, where to
stand…oh, okay, and an extended trip to the souvenir shop...we barely got the
last shuttle back to Whistler Mountain. Once there, we found an empty shuttle line and thought that there were
no shuttles left to go back to Vancouver! Oh crap! After frantically trying to
find someone who knew anything, a Nice Olympic Guy—all the Olympics peeps were
really nice, by the way—pointed out that we were, again, standing at the wrong
place for the right shuttle. Thank gawds! But we had to hurry to the correct place
because <i>that one</i> really was THE. LAST. shuttle back to Vancouver for the night.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“I’ll just radio ahead and
let them know you’re on your way,” said the Nice Olympic Guy. (Yes, that’s a
direct translation from the original Canadian, which the Nice Olympic Guy
spoke. Because we were in Canada, obviously.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So off we run to catch the
correct shuttle. We finally get there—look, YOU try running in approximately 27
layers of clothing because WE'RE IN CANADA DURING THE WINTER—and there’s yet another
Nice Olympic Guy holding open the shuttle door and waving us in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Thanks!” we huff-puff at him
(in Canadian, of course. We are pretty fluent.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">“No worries, eh.” <-- Okay, he might not have said “eh.” Then again, we <i>were</i> in Canada, so there’s a pretty good chance that he
did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Door closes behind us, we find
seats, still red and huff-puffing because we’re at a high altitude. (Also, I was totally out of shape. Two of my sisters were smokers, so that’s
their excuse. The last one was breast-feeding, although not at that moment.) </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Before the shuttle actually leaves, though, the
Nice Olympic Guy gets on the announcement-thingy to tell all the passengers
that we are the last shuttle heading back to Vancouver so if you are trying to
get to Whistler Village, you should get off now as we are about to depart. Then
he ends with, “But before we get going, we’d like to first welcome our Alaskan
friends on our shuttle!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">My sister and I look at each
other, all excitable-like, and mouth, “Eskimos!” because I...don’t know what we
were expecting, maybe that they’d have a pet seal, like in the cartoons...? (Did I
mention we were at a <i>very </i>high
altitude?) We eagerly look around, trying to be the first to spot the portable
igloo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><i>And that’s when we realized
that Nice Olympic Guy is looking and pointing at </i></b><b><u>us</u><i>!<o:p></o:p></i></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Apparently, the Nice Olympic
Guy who radioed ahead to hold the shuttle for us, told the Other Nice Olympic
Guy to wait for four Eskimos. (He might have said “Alaskan Natives” instead of
the less-acceptable, general “Eskimos” but I can only assume...so I will.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We didn’t know what to do! He
had been so nice to us, holding the door open and everything. So we kinda waved
half-heartedly and weakly smiled. But then one of us—and while it could’ve been
me, I have to state that I don’t remember with <b>absolute</b> certainty...so it’s probably safe to assume
it was me—blurted out, “But</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">—</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">but</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">—</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>we’re Japanese!</i>”<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Aw, poor Nice Olympic Guy! He
was <b>mortified</b>. As if he had
accidentally called us African-American and only to find out that we were really
Latinos from the Dominican Republic. Actually, that doesn’t make sense
either. But you get the idea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In all fairness to the Nice
Olympic Guys, this is what we looked like that day:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>I’m the short one.</i></span></span></td></tr>
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<span class="hascaption"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ha-ha! I kid. Seriously, this was us
that day:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyOG56sHxvFkMHnEsqpBulD5pXPU0Y56Tv8b0smM2V9E5M8sSkQ_cs1xhrmijAZp8j5brFLgCBhiOl-mBmEfLqa4FPTngULxwhcrAsURMNya1bDgLNw3yxATXBOUoUBOhyw7TrBwUH/s1600/Whistler+Mountain+Masked.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyOG56sHxvFkMHnEsqpBulD5pXPU0Y56Tv8b0smM2V9E5M8sSkQ_cs1xhrmijAZp8j5brFLgCBhiOl-mBmEfLqa4FPTngULxwhcrAsURMNya1bDgLNw3yxATXBOUoUBOhyw7TrBwUH/s320/Whistler+Mountain+Masked.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">No, these aren’t bandits, these are my sisters with their eyes and noses very badly masked-out for their anonymity. Ish. I mean, hell, you already know they’re my sisters and we really do all kinda look alike. BECAUSE WE’RE SISTERS. Or maybe they really are non-Asian bandits!! Anyway, yes, we all have straight, black hair. Yes, we all had somewhat-darkish tans from living in Southern California. Yes, I had my hair in two braids under that fabulously stylish Winnie-the-Pooh, pom-pom’d <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=touque" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">touque</a>. And yes, I called it a touque. I’m SO Canadian.</span></i></span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">If I’m being super honest—and
I am—I guess you kinda can’t blame
the Nice Olympic Guys for confusing us with actual Alaskan Natives (my apologies to the peoples of the
Alaskan Nations). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtpEpHYlF2L-ImcZgoZJdkBmguMs4loDsqvtTHf395z5PXiRM4KqwRrfOGR6WeVShrAY44NLry79pmXdCF2Ot2toZFuvSHvhrQAYXjpl98rQL-QcSf_pSv8JSvfDycAdCjR6liXbuf/s1600/eskimo+family.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtpEpHYlF2L-ImcZgoZJdkBmguMs4loDsqvtTHf395z5PXiRM4KqwRrfOGR6WeVShrAY44NLry79pmXdCF2Ot2toZFuvSHvhrQAYXjpl98rQL-QcSf_pSv8JSvfDycAdCjR6liXbuf/s320/eskimo+family.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">But not to these Alaskan “Natives.” I mean, who the hell put this up on the Interwebs?? This is hardly accurate—FISH NEED TO BE <b>UNDER</b> WATER TO SWIM. (Someone’s a dumbass…)</span></i></span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In reality, I do get asked
all the time if I’m Native American (my apologies to the Native Nations). Or
Philipino. Or Chinese. Or Thai. (My apologies to all Asians, everywhere.)
Apparently I look everything BUT Japanese. Or there are a lot of <i>really dumb</i> people out there. Or there could be just <i>the one </i>really dumb person. I’m not sure, all them white people
look alike to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In homage…sort of...to the
upcoming Olympics, here’s a final, gratuitous shot of me and the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWlA6JW1hxo" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Olympic Cauldron</a>...sort of...from the 2010 Winter
Olympics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrfvepwZsWIbWuUKTXtzPP9Ud4gMng8MCj74Jqn-gtalm0CK5iZfeUCHSO_03REiaqR1g25PY8Vsje96trptR2oS55ONDiWAVCWtTXWKkkBDQgz5Q1F1MW0gpHth_LDNdXpV2I-zWW/s1600/I+Am+On+Olympic+Fire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrfvepwZsWIbWuUKTXtzPP9Ud4gMng8MCj74Jqn-gtalm0CK5iZfeUCHSO_03REiaqR1g25PY8Vsje96trptR2oS55ONDiWAVCWtTXWKkkBDQgz5Q1F1MW0gpHth_LDNdXpV2I-zWW/s320/I+Am+On+Olympic+Fire.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>ON FIRE with Olympic Fever! And a sucker for stoopid tourist photo ops.</i></span></span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Bet you'll have great dreams tonight. You're welcome. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">P.S. Thanks for being so nice,
eh, Canada! And soorry aboot all the confusion. //</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-77055607246541859382012-07-06T00:13:00.001-07:002012-07-06T00:26:39.873-07:00It’s Kinda Awesome In My Head. As Long As You Don’t Have A Strong Need For Order And Sense. Or Room For Your Hatbox.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And now
for a break from the waaay-f-ed up…</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, in my
imagination, I am an awesome race-car driver. Like, Formula 1
(F1)-<a href="http://www.sirjackiestewart.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Jackie-Stewart</a>-and-<a href="http://www.stirlingmoss.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Stirling-Moss</a>-awesome. When I drive around tight bends
and hairpin turns, I often say – <i>out loud</i> – things such as, “Vrrroom! Vrroom!” and “Don’t
cut the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicane" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">chicane</a>!” and “If I knew how to drive a manual, I’d totally be
down-shifting <i>right now</i>!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Unfortunately
(for my racing life), I drive a Nissan Altima. An old one. Don’t get me wrong,
The Deathmobile has been a very great car and gotten me through a lot of crap
and accidents that weren’t my fault. (And perhaps a dented bumper incident that
maybe was my fault. <i>Maybe.</i>) But how cool would I be if I got to drive some of the
fastest vehicles on the planet <i>for a living</i>? Answer: <b><i>Totally frackin’
cool</i></b>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So cool
that it wouldn’t expose my absolute nerdiness for using the word “frackin’.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> “Huh. You’re a dork.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> “Shuddup, Inner Imp, am
NOT. You pile of poodoo.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> “Don’t call me poop.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> “I didn’t. Poodoo is
bantha fodder. That’s a fancy word for FOOD, dumbass. But it does smell awful.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><i>“Yeah…I </i>totally<i> rest
my case. DORK.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> “Grrr…”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyway,
so my entire racing career is in my head. <i>(FOR NOW—MWAH-HAHAHAHA!!! *cough!*
*choke!* *burp.*)</i>
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That
sucks because it’s awful crowded in my head, but it’s also cool ‘cause in my head I AM THE
MOST KICK-ASS DRIVER ON EARTH! And I look unbelieveably amazing in a race
helmet. And a <a href="http://www.gumpertracing.com/gallery.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Gumpert Apollo</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN2aaFbA6HBmqCCKChp8r69qfd9r0hAzzazy2xCQ4t_QCQG4emoFc3WgeRmiNezjoPofLg1-q5JqodWL8tBrAvmkZvTYGrYmacdLUIFoyNmKL1z1D6sp4rYNvEE4RsovEsRqakZqrl/s1600/Racer+Asian.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN2aaFbA6HBmqCCKChp8r69qfd9r0hAzzazy2xCQ4t_QCQG4emoFc3WgeRmiNezjoPofLg1-q5JqodWL8tBrAvmkZvTYGrYmacdLUIFoyNmKL1z1D6sp4rYNvEE4RsovEsRqakZqrl/s320/Racer+Asian.jpg" width="212" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">Believe it or not, when I take this bad boy off, THERE IS NO HELMET HEAD. How fucktastic is it to be me?? At least, to be me in my head-world. Also, it looks like something is trying to escape my chest in this picture. I think it might be my heart. Or an alien. Or the guy to whom that hairy white arm and watch belong.</span></i></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">All this
to say—presenting #3 on the list of <span style="color: #333333;"><b>My Top 5
Irrational Fears:</b></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><b></b></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><b>#3: Should The Day Come That I DO Become A Race Car Driver,
That I Will SUCK At It.</b></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yes, you
read that correctly. I actually spend <i>long minutes</i> worrying that should one of
my greatest dreams come true, that I get to race against the likes of Lewis
Hamilton, Jensen Button and Sebastian Vettel (currently, although I would totally love to race against Jackie Stewart in his day--he had sideburns that would've made Elvis <b><u>cry</u></b>), that I will embarrass
myself and get laughed off the track and be made to wave stupid flags and pass
out shots of complimentary vodka with the driver goupies in the VIP tents. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh43qexnMN4IX1dRKGZH2O5zTfo0Kj48XERio6dlDLKeTVQk_TGSOSMStv3AQu6NfMK9QTPSE_rADGERHzsSPjKK-wICdBPGJgLrhRCj4mVI7XmI__VGTI0DnlWd4DzqUvlD1PTYGh8/s1600/Asian+Driver+Me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh43qexnMN4IX1dRKGZH2O5zTfo0Kj48XERio6dlDLKeTVQk_TGSOSMStv3AQu6NfMK9QTPSE_rADGERHzsSPjKK-wICdBPGJgLrhRCj4mVI7XmI__VGTI0DnlWd4DzqUvlD1PTYGh8/s320/Asian+Driver+Me.jpg" width="116" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Wouldn’t I make, like, the </i><b><u>totally awesomest</u></b><i> Asian race driver?? Not only would it be easy to make an anime out of me, I would be completely scary and badass on the track, but when I win, I’d climb out and be all shy and cover my mouth when I giggle sweetly and say things like, </i>“Beddy good tracku. It like springu-time under my butt-u.”<i> </i>[<i><-- </i>This was a possibly racist caption. Dunno for sure, I’m too Asian to tell.]</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Never
mind the fact that in this <i>imaginary</i> world—hell, even in the real world!—having a woman F1
driver would be a crazy-amazing breakthrough first, no matter how badly she
sucked. The (obviously) <i>critical</i> point being that <i>I wouldn’t be able to handle it if <b><u>I</u></b> sucked track marbles!</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I guess, if one were to apply this fear reeeeeaaally broadly, it
could be a metaphor for the fear everyone meets when faced with <i>any</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> kind of challenge. But really, that’s just being
kind to the short kid with no upper-body strength who can make it only halfway up the the first hanging chin-up. </span><i>Which would also be me.</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Man, that’s <b>cold</b></span>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Still, even though I honestly fear and worry about this</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> – </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I really, really, really do, I even get minor heart palpitations</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> – </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I still don't think it would stop me from trying. I mean, given the chance, <b><i>OHELLSYEAH!!!</i></b> would I jump all over that. Heck, I'd be willing to test drive a <a href="http://www.bugatti.com/en/home.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Bugatti</a> on the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/N%C3%BCrburgring" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Nürburgring</a>. Or a Ferrari down a country lane. Maybe a tricked-out Honda Civic up <a href="http://wikitravel.org/en/Pacific_Coast_Highway" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">PCH</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">? Yes! Anybody wanna go-kart with me? C'mon, y'all! What, scared of little ol' Asian me?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>WELL YOU SHOULD BE 'CUZ I WILL TAKE YOU ALL DOWN MUTHAFUKKAHS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ahem. I mean, anyone up for a rousing sportswomanlike round or two? Why are you backing away? Helloo...? //</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-2399082879022796852012-07-03T00:20:00.003-07:002012-07-06T00:41:29.981-07:00...And The Crazy Kept Rolling In...From...Every...Siiiiiide...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, I got
a free Cinnabon today. I haven’t had one of those in, seriously, like ten
years. Mebbe
even longer. I felt kinda bad ‘cause I know that each one has approximately
enough calories to feed a small village in Laos for a week, but it was free and
honestly, it just smelled so damn <i>goooood</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> “FUKKIT. JUST EAT
IT.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> “Okay, okay, I will,
stoopid Inner Imp, but I’m going to blame you if—</i><b>OHMIGAWDS WHAT IS THIS HEAVENLY
SUBSTANCE I AM CHEWING ON?!?</b><i>”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Originally,
I had texted my sister offering to share it with her, but then it started
raining, and, as I honestly and forthrightly told her, while I do love her
enough to share my Cinnabon, I happen to hate rain more than I love her. Although only by
a <b>really, really</b>
small margin. (By the way, she said she forgave me and that her ass thanked me
for my honesty.) I took that first delectable, sinful, ass-expanding bite
and immediately food-gasmed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Which is
the lead-in story to <b>#2 </b>of <b>My Top 5 Irrational Fears: How Do I Know <i>For Sure</i></b><b> That I’m Not Gay??<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Um, back
to the story. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Okay, so
I just foodgasmed. Of course I texted my sister thus, and I quote:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">—“O.M.G.
I haven’t had a Cinnabon in literally years and they are FUCKING AWESOME!!!” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Followed by: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">—“And
yes, I just ate out the middle ‘cause I am a porn-like Cinnabon whore!!”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">My sister
was understandably confused, by the way. And she’s, like, super-de-dupity
smart. She’s an attorney. The good kind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So you
see my dilemma, RIGHT?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">No? Okay,
well, look: I’m happily (more or less..heh) married, have dated only men, have
fantasized only about men (and chocolate, let’s be honest), have only ever been
attracted to men (Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran counts...?), and I find
the huge quantities of nekkid boobage in <i>A Game of Thrones</i> to be tedious. Granted, when asked once
if I could “do it” with any woman in the world, who would it be, I immediately
answered “Madonna” (pre-<i>Ray of Light</i>, of course). But otherwise…not that I have really
noticed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And then
I send a text like the one above. And I find Botticelli nudes not just
beautiful but also kinda sexy. I really dig the song, “I Kissed A Girl” and I
think Katy Perry is adorable. Aaaand sometimes I think: “If someone asked me
who I’d do it with now, I’d totally change my answer to Angelina Jolie ‘cause
she’s got <i>those lips</i> and I bet she knows how to get <i>fah-rea-kyyy</i>!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, in a rather large nutshell: I don’t know for sure that I am <b>definitely</b> not gay because <i>I don’t know
for sure what it’s like to <b>definitely be gay!</b></i> Ergo, I cannot rationally and
definitely <b>rule out</b> that I am <b><i>not</i></b> gay. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Not that
I would be bummed if I was gay—I’ve had to deal with man-bullcrappery often
enough to have joked out loud that I wish I were. No, my <b><i>real</i></b> fear—and here’s where the
crazy-pants go on super-fly tight—<i>I do worry that on the chance that I might be gay, <b>then I am not be living
my authentic self</b>.</i> It bothers me that I may secretly and <i>unbeknownst to me <b>be in the closet</b>.</i> Crappity! How can I not know
that about myself? </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Also, I am running out of ways to emphasize words in this blog.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then I worry that I should focus even more on LGBT rights,
as opposed to more on feminist issues, that I’m not doing enough for my
potential “gay brothers and sisters and all in-betweeners.” <--<i> Not an actual saying that is
deserving of quotes. I just made that up. But it sounds nice and catchy and
kinda relevant, no? </i>:)<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Then I
wonder if I should talk to The Limey about this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> “Haha, weirdo—if
you’re really so worried, maybe you </i>should</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> talk to The Limey about this.”</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> “And show my husband </i><b>exactly</b><i> how much crazy he married?
Shuddup you sabotaging Inner Imp! Quit being such a douchebag. No more Cinnabon
for you.”</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sidenote:
Although, in all fairness, The Limey <i>has</i> probably heard worse from me before. Yet I’m
pretty sure he’s still married to me. I’m starting to suspect it’s because he
actually loves me…but likely probably he loves his green card more. ‘Cause
England is <i>such</i>
the horrible place to live, what with the free health care and ancient architecture and deep culture and close proximity to the rest of Europe. <i>Who wants that?</i> Blech. Plus we have better food
and lots more of it. LOTS. And we have Taco Bell and other Mexican food that is
actually <i>yummy</i>, even though he doesn't like Mexican food 'cause he got really bad food poisoning from one of his first Mexican meals here in the U.S., but whatevs. <i>iViva el taco cart!</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So, back
to me possibly maybe being gay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You know, in the interest of finally laying to rest this question once and for all, I wish there was a
way I could <i>really</i> know what it’s like to be gay. Only without the part where I
would have to make out with another woman ‘cause that’s just kind of a yukky
thought. Or sexing one up. Um, eww. To quote <a href="http://www.stephenfry.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Stephen Fry</a>: "After I was born, I looked back and thought, 'Right. Last time I'm going in one of those.'"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Hee. Stephen Fry is funny. I love him. Oh crap—<b>MAYBE I'M ACTUALLY A GAY MAN!</b> Dangit, now I really need to
have a talk with my husband. Bugger. Aw, see? It could be! Poop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Uh, I did warn you that this <i>My Top 5</i> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><u>Irrational</u></span><b> </b><i>Fears</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, right? Oh good. //</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">EDIT: I feel like I should clarify that my actual fear is <b>not</b> whether or not I am gay. No, my actual fear is really <i>the uncertainty of being uncertain because </i><b><i>there is no possible way to </i>be<i> certain</i></b><i>. </i>With any degree of certainty. Kinda like being able to state <i>with absolute proof</i> if there really is a God or a Heaven or if unicorns EVER existed or if there can ever be a truly tasty low-calorie chocolate. Actually, I'm pretty certain that last thing is a myth. //</span></div>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-84469630894815615922012-07-01T17:35:00.002-07:002012-07-02T23:56:56.593-07:00Brain, Brain, Go Away, Come Again Some Other Day...Preferably When You're Not So Full of Weird End-Of-Days Crap.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I don't know why -- well, probably because it's been gloomy and gray and rainy for the last week, I bet, but I'm not a professional -- but my brain has been obsessing with a list. Specifically, <b>My Top 5 Irrational Fears</b>. Not valid fears, such as moray eels and clowns, but totally unlikely-to-(<i>but-maybe-kinda-could</i>-)happen fears. For example:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>#1: The Apocalypse And Its Effect On My Pantry</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Not, like, a Biblical apocalypse, but more like one where society completely breaks down beyond the point of <i>WTF?!?-ness</i>. As in the movie "The Road," which someone like me really should NOT have watched, even though it was a free screening -- with popcorn! -- and, objectively, an excellent movie that was ridiculously overlooked by the Academy.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Anyway, it's not the actual Apocalypse I fear, 'cause, you know, if it happens, I have a plan. (And that plan is to get to my sister Jill, who is like a combo of Bob Villa and MacGyver, and who also is <b>totally</b> stocked with a kick-ass pile of useful disaster-relief supplies that she won at a charity auction. The same one in which I bid for an entertainment pack, i.e., movie tickets and a gift card to Olive Garden. Which I <i>lost. </i>Lame charity auction.) </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">No, I'm not worried about the loss of services that comes Apocalypses (Apocalypsi?). It's the loss of stuff <i>and how that lack of said stuff apparently makes humans <b>nucking futs</b>.</i><b><i> And cannibalistic.</i></b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> "But that's not </i><u>totally</u></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> crazy, Leslie!"</i></span><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> "What's that you say, irrational Inner Imp? Go ahead, I'm listening."</span></i><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This is why -- and <b>herein</b> lies<b> </b>the deliciously-meaty-as-the-thigh-of-a-hockey-player crazy part -- <i>I refuse to throw away the canned goods in the back of my pantry</i>. For reals.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Periodically, I'll go to clean out my cupboards, like a normal person. Anything that's way-expired <b>and</b> in a perishable package gets tossed, no problem. But when it comes to a canned good -- or, honestly, anything well-and-hermetically-sealed -- I. JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT. I can't make myself throw it out! I'll hold it over the trash can, all poised and ready, like I am sane, but then my brain automatically goes to, "But what if the Apocalypse happens? THINK OF THE CHILDREN! AND HOW GRATEFUL THEY WILL BE FOR THESE SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DICED GREEN CHILES!!!" and then I guiltily put them waaay back in the back of the cupboard. "Guiltily" because I can still hear the tiny but sane part of me that's saying, "Really. <i>Really?!?</i>" and "waaay in the back" because realistically, when the Apocalypse does hit, it's probably wise to eat the fresher stuff first and save the rest for when one is really desperate.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Luckily, I don't buy a lot of canned goods that I don't used fairly quickly, but I can't honestly say that there is not more than one tinned food item in there that is well beyond it's expiration date. As in years. Not days or months. <i>Years. </i>Also, I wish I could say that I am joking, that this is all for comical effect. But, as real as the RAIN OUTSIDE THAT WON'T FUCKING GO AWAY ALREADY, it is not.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixvhJkqczbyUovmjE9Y2VqoOpLMdpg4lew4fkrS5yDNuRY5BQmhfJodIrovDUk5mjCofzwIag0FuDvYtRXKOTxF7PFk0XfEYeswTdOah3Vq1ehIV5CMz8XrKk7_bBgQV2Yn-1g3ZEo/s1600/IMAG2464.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixvhJkqczbyUovmjE9Y2VqoOpLMdpg4lew4fkrS5yDNuRY5BQmhfJodIrovDUk5mjCofzwIag0FuDvYtRXKOTxF7PFk0XfEYeswTdOah3Vq1ehIV5CMz8XrKk7_bBgQV2Yn-1g3ZEo/s320/IMAG2464.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">Looks like a normal pantry, right?</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdGq86WDqs9L1zzG3v12_MXHu0O5kWlmHAQbX-DmnHXO4JDG5Sp2CVtSAFVkdYiuNjym9YFua8IoBjAV-N-n5QMtSgFIlIVI77rAt4Bw4Thyphenhypheny_teFWAHUnfM08M9vHXdNwFfssaNcG/s1600/IMAG0002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdGq86WDqs9L1zzG3v12_MXHu0O5kWlmHAQbX-DmnHXO4JDG5Sp2CVtSAFVkdYiuNjym9YFua8IoBjAV-N-n5QMtSgFIlIVI77rAt4Bw4Thyphenhypheny_teFWAHUnfM08M9vHXdNwFfssaNcG/s320/IMAG0002.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">A selection from the "Post-Apocalypse" section. The front part of it. DON'T JUDGE.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_WHA7vvABR-Ivx7e6xp6j_om4C3mtrk7PDGScnnnfg_s5PhBjg7VgbL7EowLI88jUSHd_q2M8Xla5XLf-8llqqelaz9YbWEzLRQWDDWJb3DtZYXBIuUn5_YIj5rjQWc4uHCdWG6Ha/s1600/Can+2009.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="284" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_WHA7vvABR-Ivx7e6xp6j_om4C3mtrk7PDGScnnnfg_s5PhBjg7VgbL7EowLI88jUSHd_q2M8Xla5XLf-8llqqelaz9YbWEzLRQWDDWJb3DtZYXBIuUn5_YIj5rjQWc4uHCdWG6Ha/s320/Can+2009.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">My rational brain is embarrassed...and in a sleeper-hold by my irrational brain.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZmhMCF-EQf94HgYpjS98Yy4V7TBPsovlPugefPXRcCK3DUkjThBGSCw9Jk6ChU_nkPw5S-rfrIvXIbmVWhUc8HClMX3_d8OLOn-9t_v2YkQHKGGW-eUQ0UJLcETM3sHy5Bhgx_39y/s1600/Post-Apocalypse+Dinner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZmhMCF-EQf94HgYpjS98Yy4V7TBPsovlPugefPXRcCK3DUkjThBGSCw9Jk6ChU_nkPw5S-rfrIvXIbmVWhUc8HClMX3_d8OLOn-9t_v2YkQHKGGW-eUQ0UJLcETM3sHy5Bhgx_39y/s320/Post-Apocalypse+Dinner.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">"Time for dinner, Post-Apocalyptic children! Don't complain, it's better than eating grody, old, leftover Aunt Sally." </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;">(My apologies to anyone's Aunt Sally who is actually delicious.)</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You know what? Having admitted this, I feel so much better now. Maybe I'll go toss-out that can of aloe vera leaves (still not joking) that I believe I bought shortly after my wedding. Which may or may not have been over 5 years ago. Crazy, right? I mean,<i> </i><i>who buys canned aloe vera leaves?!? </i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> "Yeah, those aren't for </i>eating<i>, those are for </i>medicinal purposes<i>, right?"</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> "Hmm. </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Medicinal</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i> you say, Inner Imp? Well that might come in handy after the Apocalypse. Maybe I'll just push that into the way-waaay back..."</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sigh.</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'd better save the other four Irrational Fears for later. Right now, I have an Imp to give a good talkin' to...//</span></div>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-414255224404647187.post-80871040722760319412012-06-22T23:48:00.004-07:002012-07-01T18:03:23.072-07:00In The Beginning - Nah, that sounds just too erudite. And stuffypants.<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
Hey there. So, yeah, I live on a hill. Hence, this blog title. And it is proving to be, um, a challenge for my Inner Imp. See, until nearly a year ago, I lived in Los Angeles, immersed in sunshine and traffic and people. <b>PEOPLE</b>. And places to go, such as the theater, the beach, the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. And my Inner Imp was calm and happily distracted. And <i>tan</i>. But now I live on a
hill -- <b>A FREAKIN' HILL!</b> -- surrounded by trees and greenery and wild
blackberry bushes in Washington state and there are days -- <b>DAYS!</b> --
where I don't even get into my car. Or see the sun. Or talk to a live person other than my husband, who, coincidentally, is a large part of why I am currently living on this hill and enjoying watching my skin turn an unnatural shade of pasty-white.</div>
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I thought I could tough it out, but you know what? It turns out, I am a
wimp. I am not of the Hill People, just pretending to be. My Inner Imp is getting cabin fever and my brain is literally building it's own compound of cray-freakin'-zee. So here I am, attempting to keep it busy and placated enough to stop stockpiling canned goods and ammunition. Although what kind of guns my brain will be able to handle, I'm not really sure.<br />
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<i> "Maybe mind-controlled cold-laser ray-guns?" </i><br />
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<i> "You think, Inner imp? If so, then I might just let it 'cause that actually sounds kinda cool."</i></div>
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So come along. Or not. You never know where this shite leads, but it could be fun. Or illegal. Or totally boring. Who knows? I make no promises other than to not to let my brain turn the cold-laser ray-gun on you. AND when it does get a hold of one, as a faithful come-alonger, you may place one person on the "Official List of Jackholes to Annihilate In The Coolest Way Ever" as long as 1) that person isn't me and B) you do so with the knowledge that your person will be placed <i>after</i> Carrot Top. 'Cause that dude is just WRONG.</div>
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...aaaaand PUBLISH. //</div>Leslie The Imphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094326129796174064noreply@blogger.com0