Sunday, July 1, 2012

Brain, Brain, Go Away, Come Again Some Other Day...Preferably When You're Not So Full of Weird End-Of-Days Crap.

I don't know why -- well, probably because it's been gloomy and gray and rainy for the last week, I bet, but I'm not a professional -- but my brain has been obsessing with a list. Specifically, My Top 5 Irrational Fears. Not valid fears, such as moray eels and clowns, but totally unlikely-to-(but-maybe-kinda-could-)happen fears. For example:

#1: The Apocalypse And Its Effect On My Pantry
Not, like, a Biblical apocalypse, but more like one where society completely breaks down beyond the point of WTF?!?-ness. As in the movie "The Road," which someone like me really should NOT have watched, even though it was a free screening -- with popcorn! -- and, objectively, an excellent movie that was ridiculously overlooked by the Academy.

Anyway, it's not the actual Apocalypse I fear, 'cause, you know, if it happens, I have a plan. (And that plan is to get to my sister Jill, who is like a combo of Bob Villa and MacGyver, and who also is totally stocked with a kick-ass pile of useful disaster-relief supplies that she won at a charity auction. The same one in which I bid for an entertainment pack, i.e., movie tickets and a gift card to Olive Garden. Which I lost. Lame charity auction.) 

No, I'm not worried about the loss of services that comes Apocalypses (Apocalypsi?). It's the loss of stuff and how that lack of said stuff apparently makes humans nucking futs. And cannibalistic.

     "But that's not totally crazy, Leslie!"

     "What's that you say, irrational Inner Imp? Go ahead, I'm listening."

This is why -- and herein lies the deliciously-meaty-as-the-thigh-of-a-hockey-player crazy part -- I refuse to throw away the canned goods in the back of my pantry. For reals.

Periodically, I'll go to clean out my cupboards, like a normal person. Anything that's way-expired and in a perishable package gets tossed, no problem. But when it comes to a canned good -- or, honestly, anything well-and-hermetically-sealed -- I. JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT. I can't make myself throw it out! I'll hold it over the trash can, all poised and ready, like I am sane, but then my brain automatically goes to, "But what if the Apocalypse happens? THINK OF THE CHILDREN! AND HOW GRATEFUL THEY WILL BE FOR THESE SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DICED GREEN CHILES!!!" and then I guiltily put them waaay back in the back of the cupboard. "Guiltily" because I can still hear the tiny but sane part of me that's saying, "Really. Really?!?" and "waaay in the back" because realistically, when the Apocalypse does hit, it's probably wise to eat the fresher stuff first and save the rest for when one is really desperate.

Luckily, I don't buy a lot of canned goods that I don't used fairly quickly, but I can't honestly say that there is not more than one tinned food item in there that is well beyond it's expiration date. As in years. Not days or months. Years. Also, I wish I could say that I am joking, that this is all for comical effect. But, as real as the RAIN OUTSIDE THAT WON'T FUCKING GO AWAY ALREADY, it is not.

Looks like a normal pantry, right?

A selection from the "Post-Apocalypse" section. The front part of it. DON'T JUDGE.

My rational brain is embarrassed...and in a sleeper-hold by my irrational brain.

"Time for dinner, Post-Apocalyptic children! Don't complain, it's better than eating grody, old, leftover Aunt Sally."
(My apologies to anyone's Aunt Sally who is actually delicious.)

You know what? Having admitted this, I feel so much better now. Maybe I'll go toss-out that can of aloe vera leaves (still not joking) that I believe I bought shortly after my wedding. Which may or may not have been over 5 years ago. Crazy, right? I mean, who buys canned aloe vera leaves?!? 

     "Yeah, those aren't for eating, those are for medicinal purposes, right?"

     "Hmm. Medicinal you say, Inner Imp? Well that might come in handy after the Apocalypse. Maybe I'll just push that into the way-waaay back..."


I'd better save the other four Irrational Fears for later. Right now, I have an Imp to give a good talkin' to...//

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