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Monday, July 30, 2012

It’s Only Tuesday And Already There’ve Been Two Ways In Which I Realize I Am Never Going To Get A Giant Phallic Monolith Named After Me.


NOTE: I started writing this post last week and then spent a week feeling all depressed and apathetic. Hence the very belated posting and the very outdated title. Sorry.


Helloooo Pageviewers! Miss me?

So, this past Sunday (which was actually the Sunday before last, see NOTE above), we watched In Time (Justin Timerberlake, Amanda Seyfried, buncha other young Hollywood types). While a very interesting concept and not a horrible film, sadly I don't feel it was done as well as it could have been. Felt too unexplained.

However, it did start an interesting conversation between me and The Limey, namely: What would you do if you had a superhero conversion, i.e., sudden unlimited time or unlimited knowledge or unlimited strength, etc.?

The Limey said that he'd want unlimited knowledge, as in the movie Limitless and if he did, he'd then use it to help solve humanity's problems.

"Really?" says I with incredulity and a couple of other big words of description.

"Well..." he started.

"A-HA!" says I, with alacrity and other possibly-incorrectly-used big words.


Then he admitted that realistically he’d probably go through a short period of time where he'd "play around with it" first. By the way, his idea of being selfish? "I'd want to win figure out how to win the Lottery and then d some good with the money, like give it to charity."

Karma butt-kisser.

I, on the other hand, had immediately decided that should that happen to me, I would first teach myself teleportation so I could go to 7-11 and get a Slurpee without having to get in the car because I really wanted a Slurpee just at that moment. Next, I would figure out the easiest (read, "laziest") way to diet and exercise.

Then of course I would totally get on the solving the humanity's problems thing, I bet. Such as how to get this neighborhood TO GET ON A GODDAMNED SCHEDULE SO THAT EVERYONE GETS THEIR FREAKING LAWNS DONE ON THE SAME DAY INSTEAD OF ON A ROTATING SCHEDULE SO THAT THERE IS ALWAYS A FUCKING LAWNMOWER AND/OR HEDGER GOING, MAKING GAWDS-AWFUL NOISE AND KICKING UP ALLERGY-INDUCING SHIT FROM 7AM TO 7PM EVERY MOTHERFUCKING SUMMER'S DAY AAAARRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem.

You know, I'm thinking it's probably best that I don't have a superhero moment. I admit, I don't think I’m to be trusted. And I should probably also get some ear plugs and allergy pills. And also, I should get a Slurpee machine installed in my home because I am just that lazy. 


How's that for honesty?

Anyway, so the other thing was that yesterday (last Tuesday), President Obama came to town and he was actually going to be on this side of the lake. w00t. In fact they were shutting down one of the bridges from Seattle to the East Side just for the Presidential motorcade, so The Limey and I thought we'd try to find a perch somewhere to see if we could watch the motorcade cross the bridge. Figgered there'd be a lot of police escorting and a long line of cars, so even if we were a half-mile or so away, it'd still be something to see, right?

It probably would have, but as luck would have it, we were to never know. While trying to get to our decided-on vantage point—a park to one side of the floating bridge—we actually got stuck on the bridge that they were closing because they closed it off 10 minutes earlier than announced. The kicker? We were stuck on the on-ramp. SO. LAME.

We decided, what the hell, we'll go hang out at the park anyway. It was a beautiful day, finally, and the park had a pretty nice view of the bridge from there. Also turns out it's the neighborhood where all the tech richies live, e.g., Bill Gates and the like. It's also the neighborhood the POTUS was actually in for his first fundraiser. Which we discovered when we got lost trying to get home and ended up with the first part of the motorcade's police escort driving up on our tails and scaring the living crap outta me. So we pulled over to a gas station where a small group had also gathered, then immediately got blocked-in by more police. So we got out and waited with the other onlookers.


video



After about 100 motorcycle cops—and that’s not even an exaggeration—drove past, the main part of the motorcade passed within 10 feet of us, including the POTUS, who is hard to see in the photos I took, but whom I clearly saw because I could see his skinny arm doing that presidential wave thingy and DAMN! someone give that man a sammich STAT! With extra cheese!

Mmm…cheese.


Yes, we were THATCLOSE to the country's most powerful man! Except that I could probably break him by sitting on his femur. He really needs, like, a Jewish grandmother, a Latina mama, and an Italian aunt to cook him a meal or two.

Here's the text-exchange between my sister and myself later that night:

Me: We got lost in Hunts Point on the way home tonight and ended up seeing Obama right up close as he drove by!!  :)  (<-- Yes, I love emoticons. Breaks up the text. And they’re cute. AND I’M A GIRL.)
Sister: Awesome! Did you moon him?
Me: No way! There were literally 100 cops in the motorcade and one was parked 3 feet to my left with The Limey in between us. Didn’t need to get me arrested and him deported!
 Sister: You should have at least titty flashed him, he would have appreciated it.
Me: What’s wrong with you? If I did that, then I wouldn’t’ve been able to see him as he drove by.
 Sister: This is true, your line of sight would have been blocked.


Now that I think about it, I'm thinking that maybe she didn't believe me in the first place.

Then I thought, Tho' my logic 'tis sound, would he have appreciated it? 


     "NOBODY talks like that, even in their heads, Dork."


     "I do, Inner Imp. Ergo, So. Do. You. Take that!"


     "Augh! Curses, methinks!"


     "A-HA! I WIN!!!!!!!!!!11!!omg ponies!!!!"


     "SUCH the Dork."


Back to my rack and the POTUS. 


Anyway, while I've got fairly bodacious ta-tas, then again, the President might be an arm or leg kinda guyto wit, Michelle Obama. WHOM I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING AS STUPID AS TRY TO ENTICE HER MAN 'CUZ I HAVE ZERO DOUBT SHE COULD AND WOULD SHORELY KICK MY ARSE FROM HERE TO SOUTH CENTRAL.

Then I thought, I really, really want a Slurpee.

Then I thought about all that I had thought about in the last 48 hours and came to the conclusion of that is why I’ll never be the President Of The United States. And I’m thinking the world is much better off that way. 

You’re welcome, World. You’re welcome.  //



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